The Story of My Life

Its Something New-

2010-03-28T09:24:00.000-07:00

So as everyone seems to know... my life is crazy. I never know if I'm coming or going. Every day is something new whether it be an up day or maybe a down day... But as I have finally had some down time to breathe, followed with many conversations with family, friends and loved ones about life and who I truly am I realize that it's okay. It is life.

As Chelle once told me, my blog is 'real life'. The good. The bad. And the ugly. -Amen

So I have decided... to start over. I cannot forget my past or walk as if it never occurred, but I can learn more about me and I am making an effort at living my life differently... As I know tomorrow is not promised.

With this said, I have decided to start anew. I created a different blog in a chance at starting over and being true to who I am.... please feel free to check it out.
http://fromtheheartwithin.blogspot.com/

All my love,
Meg

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun-

2010-03-14T18:42:00.000-07:00

Oy Vay! I don't really even know where to begin... This world is something that is constantly in motion and slightly insane. I am definitely proud to be a part of it. After moving back to Boise, my life was and is going a million miles a minute. It seems as though there is always so much to do and just never enough time. I'm okay with that, it's better then being bored and lazy. My weekend this weekend was completely out of control. Going into my weekend, I was slightly worried that I would have a "debbie downer" weekend, but I can say I was pleasantly surprised by a weekend that was so much better.

My weekend was some random, crazy weekend spent with some girlfriends. The girlfriends that have been my support system through all the good and bad in the last, nearly year of my life. They supported my move up to Lewiston and supported my move back. I was eager to see my girls as it had been far too long and life just manages to slip away from us. We finally all managed to schedule a time to meet up and this weekend was it. We would meet Saturday at 2 for coffee in Hyde Park. What does this mean? I dunno. Nothing ever goes as planned with girls...

I have to admit, I was nervous going to see them. Its one of those moments where you haven't seen someone in so long, that you just hope things aren't going to be awkward or that things have completely changed. My two girlfriends that I was gearing up to meet with, work together and see eachother constantly, so what if I just didn't fit in? That is me! The worrier... I think probably the number one thing I do best! However, man was I excited to let loose and have one wild time!

Somehow Steph managed to get out of class early, so we met at 1 in Hyde Park and decided to eat food. Brittany convinced us to try some Parilla Grill, which I'd heard a lot about. I also had spent one St. Patty's day there. The atmosphere in Hyde Park is like nothing I've ever been around. It is so full of life and... well let's just say different walks of life! Our time at Parilla Grill went all too fast and was way too much fun! We tend to draw attention to ourselves, not on purpose. It isn't as though we have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of our shoes, or we open the door and yell "Hunny I'm Home!" I think it's more that when we're having a good time, sometimes we tend to get a little loud and disregard the other individuals around us. We may good friends with the staff, although I can't tell you their names! They were fun, and made the start of our adventure kick off with a great big bang!

Following Parilla, we decided to go to the Mall. Supposedly a girl's best friend, but not on a Saturday afternoon. Steph is getting married in October and needs to find some shoes for all the ladies. So away we went... almost. As we park our cars and start walking in, Steph is busy hanging up the phone and Britt and I are finishing up our conversation we were sharing. I happened to hear Steph's car running. I didn't think much of it, but asked her if that was the sound of her running or maybe it was just cooling down? She looked at me, looked in her purse and... well, I wont repeat the rest of the conversation. However, her keys were inside the car which was indeed running, and every door was locked! Man oh man, talk about priceless moments. I didn't want to leave her car in the parking lot running, but both Britt and Steph convinced me that it would be okay... at least until her dad got there with an extra set of keys! :)

Our time spent in the mall was slightly hectic as the mall is ALWAYS busy on the weekends. We should have known better, but we managed to make it through the crowds. Again we drew attention to ourselves and decided to try on some very silly hats. Stephany's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, so we also decided to try and do some shopping for our outfits as it's going to be an 80's party. Oh my! I dont know if I've ever really dressed for a themed party. They always just seem silly, but I am gettin into this one! We've all picked out our costumes for the most part and it's going to be one helluva party! :) After many different stores, strung out amongst the mall we finally found the perfect shoes for Stephany's wedding party. Once this task was complete, I was quick to learn that both Brittany and I were in her wedding! I am SO SO SO excited! (Thanks again, Stephany)

The trip to the mall exhausted all of our patience and fun. We would now part ways and freshen up... take a nap, maybe a shower, or just play with our 'kids' and hopefully meet up soon! Stephany had her own thing going on however so the fun rested on Brittany and my shoulders. Although tired, and slightly grumpy from the crowds at the mall, I was ready for a night full of fun! Brittany and I met up at the Ram in Meridian, to share some appetizers and enjoy a few beverages! It was a slightly calmer night that allowed the two of us to actually talk, but we definitely had our loud moments... moments of shame that were shared amongst us! Ha. Ha! Eventually parting ways, my night was not over... Brittany was going to go meet up with her boy and I, well who knew what I was going to do!

I learned that Nic, Jerel's brother was in town for his Spring Break and they were playing some beer pong. I ventured over to their house and took place in some of the worst beer pong playing ever known to mankind! It was so bad that I ended up creating my own rules as the games continued, constantly changing them to benefit Tony and I. Uhm, hello? Shouldn't this make me win the game...? Yeah we still lost, and not just one game, three. And then I proceeded to lose another two games with Savannah. Man I suck! It was a good time though... fun was had by all! Even if it was completely, loud, random and made no sense!

I will be the first to admit that my Saturday was beyond undescribable. I would love to say it was amazing, it was fun, it was loud... and it was! But it was so much more then that. I can honestly say that I haven't had good, innocent, silly fun in quite some time!

Thanks Ladies!!! (And Jerel)

All my love,

Meg

The Start of Something New.

2010-03-14T17:56:00.001-07:00

Wow. Good Evening!
Tonight I write just for a simple update to say nothing more then.....

I Got The Job I Wanted!
I Got The Job I Wanted!
I Got The Job I Wanted!
I Got The Job I Wanted!
I Got The Job I Wanted!

With that said... what is my job? I have no clue! It's kind of a million different things. Jeff refers to me as the 'jack of all trades.' My first 90 days are going to be the start of this new company. Once that is said and done, again I have no idea what I'm doing! So far, I want to say I'm loving it. I am loving it. I just feel bad, Jeff is so busy and I dont know what I'm doing. I feel like more of a headache then anything, but I think that is okay... all new jobs require some time and some training, right?! I'd been in insurance for so long, it was simply a second nature to me.... oh the joy of a new job.

With this said, I am incredibly excited about my new job. (All saracasm aside, and everything!) I think it is an amazing opportunity for me to move forward. It is going to be a challenge, which I was in desperate need of and its just that next chapter in my life... I look very forward to my future with this company and all that may be in store for me!

All my love,
Meg

A Crazy Sunday-

2010-03-08T03:10:00.001-07:00

Most days in my life seem to be crazy... especially the days I spend in Boise. I think this is probably what tends to keep me atleast semi-sane....

A couple of years ago, my cousin and I had a big falling out for our own reasons. I don't fully know if my family understands the bitterness between him and I, but I think I'm okay with that. As of today, I am still friend's with my cousin's ex girlfriend. She is one of my closest friends that has gotten me through some terrible things in life. Today, my cousin is engaged to a new girl, Amanda. I haven't had much opportunity to talk and get to know her, but I look forward to the time that it will come. I know that I am probably completely over-analyzing the situation, but I worry that because my family is aware of my friendship with Danielle, that it has some sort of impact on the way in which I view Amanda. This is completely inaccurate. Amanda has a little girl and this weekend they celebrated her birthday. I decided to make an appearance and be a kid at heart for an hour. I took some time to catch up with Linds and chase all those crazy kids around the toys and play equipment. It was fun and nice to catch up with most of my family. During the time I was in Lewiston, it was hard for me to call home. It was hard to talk to my family and my friends as it made me want to be home that much more. I managed to put a block between here and there, preventing myself from conversing with everyone. I now realize that I have much explaining to do and I'm not sure where to begine.....

Once the kids sat down to eat snacks, Julie and I stepped out of the party. Julie and I made our way to the house where dad was waiting for our arrival. We both changed our clothes, grabbed some beer and water and loaded up. I had been invited to go with both Dad and Julie to ride the ATV's. I was super excited to go, even though I was also incredibly nervous as I'd never really road one. I was simply happy to be spending time with my family and doing the things that they enjoy doing. By the end of our journey on the ATV's I had become surprsingly comfortable on my new wheels. At first, I was afraid to go over bumps and turns too fast, but by the end I was simply addicted to speed. The ride didn't seem to last long, but I have a slight feeling that I will be sore when I wake up tomorrow. As we loaded everything up, I took my goggles off, and then my helmet too to notice I was COVERED in dust. I had marks around my face from the dust and I looked absolutely absurd. I laughed so hard and how ridiculous I looked.

The day came to a close after a quick bite to eat. I got home, took a shower and changed my clothes. Max had a play date with Penni while I wanted some movies and caught up with Jerel and Zach sharing a lovely box of wine! Ha Ha!

The night came to an end all too quickly,but I can't wait for those zzz's to hit!

All my love,
Meg

(PS I will get pictures posted soon to make this semi more interesting)

Let's Make It Last-

2010-03-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

Hello All-

Today marks a week that I have been back in Boise. It has been a crazy week of highs and lows. Quiet moments, stressful moments, happy moments and so many other moments that fall in between! I have mande a great challenge to run a marathon in November. I have done a bunch of different research on things that need to be done, such as schedules, fluid intake, what you eat (and don't eat), shoes and so many other things. I was hoping to start this last week. My first schedule starts on a Tuesday, but somehow I forgot to go buy new running shoes. I want to accomplish this goal and do it correctly with as little pain as possible! ;) With this said, running did not start as I hoped... I tried to go out and buy shoes today, but again got distracted so it now stays on the 'to-do' list for tomorrow.

I spent my day Friday back in the classroom. I spent the morning redecorating the bulletin boards, filing, grading papers, giving spelling tests... I broke into the old "IRI" box and started testing some kids on their fluency. It's March which means they have 3 months to get their fluency to an accurate level due to new testing amongst the states. My "IRI" box was strictly that... my magic box! When in highschool, I took a class that took me to an elementary school for two hours a day. I had my box of different tools and worked with all of the kids that were below grade level in fluency. By the end of the year, I'm sure my group of kids dreaded my daily arrival, but I left the year with all but one student reading at or above grade level. I wish I had the time to come in and help these kids out. There is one girl in the glass that just hurts my heart. She is a sweet girl that wants attention and love. She needs help and I spent a good amount of time helping her one-on-one throughout my time, but it was never enough. Lunchtime came and I would venture on home, saddened by the fact that I couldn't 'cure-all.'

Today was a gorgeous day filled with sunshine and Spring fever. Although a bit cold, I wanted nothing more then to do something outside. The question was what and then with who? I had no idea, but I wasn't sitting at home. I put some comfortable, 'flubbed,' clothes on and ventured to my mom's to pick up Max. I ended up staying for a while longer then I planned on, but it was no big deal. I met my dad at the park who had been granted a wonderful opportunity to watch my youngest niece. I hadn't seen that sweet, baby girl in a long time and it was so awesome to see her run around the park. She is quite stubborn and independent. I made a comment about her shoes, not thinking she would hear me. As I finished my statement she pulled up her pants and pointed to her shoes. Definitely made me laugh! We then had a screaming contest, my all time favorite thing when I was a little girl! (And the most annoying thing to 'grandpa', which made the contest that much better!) I think the highlight of my time shared at the park was when Jaidynne would climb the stairs. Papa would follow her up to insure she didn't fall and hurt herself. (Papa is quite the worrier and if someone isn't within 4 inches of her grasp, he might have a heart attack.) Every time Papa took a step on the stairs she would scoot down from the stair she just climbed yell "No" and push Papa off the steps! She did not want his help for anything! She then went down the slide on her belly, yelling the whole way through the tube, knowing I was at the bottom to catch her! Ha ha. Sweet baby girl, she is! As all things come to an end, I gave my baby girl a kiss and said my good byes!

I decided to spend sometime shopping. As usual I always feel like I have nothing to wear although I know this isn't the case. I have more clothes then I ever even know what to do with, but... well I guess I'm just bored with the same thing over and over again! I stopped by a store and chose a couple different shirts and sweaters and on my way to check out, ran into Jess! Always one of the best things, running into her. (whether it intentional or not) I just love my Jess, she's been there for so much in this life, not like she had much of a choice though, either! And my day ended with the attempt to paint my nails... again. Third day in a row. As Jordan has nicely pointed out to me over the last few nights... third time is always a charm! (Sometimes its the fourth tho...)

So tonight I am enjoying a quiet night at home catching up on some little things in life and having some one on one time allowing me to breathe and clear my thoughts... or so I hoped. I think the thoughts are just more intense, but luckily it is almost bedtime and I'm sure when I wake, the day will be filled with sunshine yet again!

Good night.
All my love,
Meg

Back In Class-

2010-03-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

As I have just made my last post, I have to make a positive post about the good things that have come... gone... still remain!

My first two days in Boise were a struggle. I spent both days in bed, dreading all that lay in front of me as well as behind. I finally made plans with Allie and Roen for lunch on Tuesday, I had to get out of bed now, take a shower, get ready! I made it to Allie's house and played with Roen while he ate his lunch. Rumor has it you're not supposed to play at the dinner table, woops! I hope momma doesn't mind! Once Roen has his lunch, Allie and I went to Red Robin and spent some time catching up and just doing what we do. We spent some time reliving the past, catching up on old friends, and dreaming up the future like always. We wandered over to Target, my long lost love! (Lewiston doesn't have a Target or a Fred Meyers, I was devastated.)

I carried on back to the house, changed my clothes, fixed my hair and make up. I had a job interview last night... it was a job interview that went quite interestingly. It was a group interview that 20 people were invited too, 17 of which attended. They would choose to invite 4 people back and we would hear back in about 2 weeks. I met some crazy, old man there that sells pet insurance. I ended up talking to him for 20 minutes in the hallway before leaving discussing pet insurance, and regular insurance and who knows what else. I definitely got a good laugh. Once my interview was over, I came back again to change my clothes, visit with my aunt and uncle and then carried onto my friend Parker's house. I hadn't seen or talked to Parker in nearly a year so we had some catching up to do as he had just moved back to Boise about a month before.

Today... wow what a day! A day that I had hoped to do nothing. I woke up and was going to clean and relax and just enjoy the gorgeous sunshine. But my day ended up being better then that. As Brittany always says, I know someone everywhere we go, but sometimes I wonder if it's just me making friends everywhere we go...? Anyway, this ended up being the case today as I stopped by to pick up a few things at the grocery store and ended up spending 30 minutes talking to this old man and the cashier about buying an apple pie. (Really, I'm not even joking.) I then went to the gas station and ran into Eric, and I can't even tell you the last time I'd seen him. All in the same time, I got a call from a potential job that I am keeping my fingers crossed for! I go in for an interview tomorrow morning. And I got another call from the university that I interviewed at last night, to come in for a second interview, really! I didn't honestly see that coming, I was so impressed with a few of the other people in my interview, I truly felt I had no chance!

The rest of my day I spent back in the classroom. I went back to my old third grade classroom, the teacher who has inspired me to become a teacher. She warned me the kids were 'interesting' this year, and that they are. But man, they are so dang cute! You have the humurous kids, the studious kids, the slower kids... they all just cracked me up. I love how small the class is, as I had the chance to talk to some of them. Often times the kids are intimidated the first few times I'm in the class, so I was prepared, but I wasn't going down without a fight! I loved, loved, loved being back in the classroom. I wish I didn't have to get a job cause I would spend every day in a classroom if I could. But... the bell rang, which meant I, too, must go home.

I came home and finally unpacked! I spent the evening with Maxwell... As i'd line up my shoes in a row, he'd walk across them disorienting them, all over again! I've finally given up, for now, that is! We chased eachother around the back yard and then I had dinner with Nana. I am now out to a night of playing pool and supposed beers. Joy.

Pray for some luck at the interview tomorrow!! I am so excited and really hope that it goes well! And then lunch with Jess, ahhh yay! And then my hair is gettin did. The color is gross and the ends are even worse! Hooray.

Keep me in thoughts and prayers... through this crazy journey.
All my love,
Meg

Who said life was easy?

2010-03-03T19:34:00.001-07:00

Good Evening-
I have been wanting to write in my blog lately to give an update on my life, but have been dreading the words written. Whenever something is written, it seems almost permanent to me or as if perhaps it has become more real. Before I made my journey back to Boise, my life in Lewiston has become dark and lonely. I posted this in my last posting and it just isn't who I am. I do all that I can to keep busy and always be on my toes, even if I'm running ragged and on little to no sleep! When it came to life in Lewiston, my life consisted of cleaning, sleeping and baking. Some would consider that life a pleasure and I truly wish I was one of those types of people, but I'm just not. I am a people person, even if I think I can't stand people. I got to Boise and I literally was talking anyone's ear off that would listen. And most times I found that I was just rambling about absolutely nothing to anyone, sometimes repeating myself just so I could talk. I spent many nights while in Boise trying to place proper things in correct places and not screw up my life... I was just a lost person whom loved being loved and adored the man who trusted me with his heart, but with all said, I had to do what made me truly happy and this was something rare that took place for myself. I decided to make the move back to Boise and be with my family and friends, move back to the place I call home.

Once my decision was made, I spent a day in Boise talking to my family about my decision and figuring out some of the bigger details about my move. I dreaded the drive back to Lewiston and I had many different options in how to go about this, and none of which sounded appealing. I knew I had to face Nate, I knew I needed my things, and I needed to take care of other minor things in the world of Megan. Weighing most heavily on my heart was Nate... I was a cold, angry, bitter lady. And Nate is such a loving man who has the softest heart I've ever seen. It would kill me to make the move as I know it would devastate this man's life, but I also had to realize that me being unhappy was taking quite the toll on him and us as well. With ever minute that inched closer to the moment Nate would be home, I dreaded each second that ticked by. I had a lump in my throat. I had no idea what to say or do. I just had to be honest, I guess that was all I could possibly say or do.

After an intense conversation or twenty of them, I started packing and two days later I made the journey back to Boise. It was an emotional ride... full of joy and sadness. I went from emotions of anger, excitement, anxiousness, sadness and anything else. I had a five hour drive with my dad, alone, back to Boise and it was nice to simply have a conversation with him... a real, adult conversation!

As for today... I'm back in the city of trees. (Addicted to my shopping, once again.)
All my love,
Meg

PS I greatly, greatly, greatly apologize to Nate and his family. I never, ever wanted to hurt you. It was not my intentions. I am sorry.

To The Place I Call Home-

2010-02-19T04:40:00.000-07:00

Tonight is a night that I lay in bed, not my bed, just a bed. It is a bed that once was my bed when I lived at home with my dad. Tonight has been a strange night... I always have music or the tv on. The dogs are normally chasing eachother around the house or snoring away in their endless dreams. Tonight I lie in the dark while enjoying the simple sound of my fingers typing. I haven'tmanaged to bring myself to want the background noise of the television being on... refreshing.

After a couple rough weeks in Lewiston, I finally crumbled. It was a night that I talked to my dad, Julie, mom and my little brother. It was a night where I kept in touch with friends and simply craved home. I wanted my familiar sights, sounds, roads, buildings and people. I wanted the people that have known me through the good and through the bad. I enjoy Lewiston, but lack motivation to do anything. I spend days upon days curled in a ball, sleeping under a pile of blankets and cuddling with the pups. Many days, I struggle to make it to the kitchen for something to eat, rarely have I found myself getting dressed and I do all I can to avoid any incoming phone calls. Something had to change...

On Tuesday night, close to midnight I made the decision to come to Boise. Wednesday I would attempt to get school done for the week, clean house, tend to the dogs, do laundry, pack and still make it to that movie with Joy. Once Wednesday morning rolled around, I was eager to go... if only it would have lasted. I started to clean house, I got the laundry done, and the dogs definitely felt the love. I went to the movie with Joy and I eventually caught myself in the middle of the night trying to figure out what to pack.

Packing is a chore for me... Nate often times forget that I'm a girl. I had no idea what I was going to do this weekend. I didnt know how long I was staying. So with a little of this, a little of that and then some... I managed to have my big suitcase filled with clothes. Another one packed with shoes... I got some heels, flats, tennis shoes, sandals and boots (in case it snows). And yet the third and final bag... the most important one, my bathroom bag. Again since I didnt know what I would be doing or where my road might take me, there was no deciding on which make up I should take. Curling iron or flat iron? Big curling iron or little curling iron? And then the jewelry that must match any sort of outfit I could possibly choose to wear. I was packed and ready to go... However, the better part of me told me to get some sleep first!

I made the drive to Boise today and I have to say it was my easiest drive yet. There was snow along the road but the roads themselves were clear. The sun was shining, warming the Jeep up allowing me to crank the air conditioner (yes, the air conditioner). I often times must stop and nap along my drive, but for the first time I didnt get sleepy. I was just dancing and singing away, and watching that speed limit of course. (I think my dad might shoot me if I get another speeding ticket) I made it to Boise and was greeted by my dad and Sunday Sue. (there dog) Julie followed not far behind.

After a day filled with work, both dad and Julie were exhausted. I was just in my own world. I had a breath of fresh air and was just excited to see my dad and Julie, happy to be home. (As I type this, I feel guilty. Lewiston isn't bad, its just not home. The other thing that I have to remind myself is I lived a very structured life while here in Boise. I was busy every single day. And I had my very set routines from the time I got out of bed, to the time I took my sleeping pill and climbed into bed. I visited the same people and used the same checkouts at the stores.) As I sit across the table at dinner from my dad, you can see the resemblance, not in the way we look (although I hear there is some resemblance there as well) but in our actions. I noticed them begin back in high school. Many nights dad and I would stay up because of our insomnia. Now I am as greatly afraid of germs as he is. I heard him and his direct tone with one of his employees... yepp, that is where I got it from. Neither of us like things to change... we would rather use the same phone, the same computer, the same car, the same roads.

Dinner went well... it wasn't rushed like many meals are while in Boise. There is always a waiting line and time never stops or slows down. Tonight we had the chance to actually talk, laugh, enjoy conversation and just be a family. It's been a long time since I have experienced that and it was quite nice... something I have missed. Once home, we geared up for bed until I realized it was only 730. Dad and I figured out our plans tomorrow and I said my good nights.

Allie came to save me from those endless z's I take advantage of all too often. I saw Allie over New Years and I saw her the night before I moved, but that isn't often enough. Allie and I spend days upon days going to school together... for eight years. We shared our first apartment and started that "real life" Katie always talks about! ;) Now that I've moved we talk every couple of weeks, but of course it isn't enough to ever catch up. Roen, her son, he is constantly changing. He'll be one next week, can you believe it? And Allie, she's just trying to keep up with the boy, keep the house clean and go to school. Tonight was the first night in nearly a year that we've had time to just be girls and reminisc on the past, the good ole days, the carefree irresponsible days. We have quite a few that I wouldn't want to share with anyone else...

So tonight I lay in bed thinking about how life changes... it changes us all and it changes a lot quicker then I ever wanted to think about. Friends that I once thought I knew haven't been around for the last nine months of my life. I have no idea where they are, what they do or how they even act. And then you have the good ole people just lovin life and never changing... think they'll ever grow up?

Tonight I had a good reminder, after catching up with my good friend 'Brown,' or Bryson. He was my best friend almost two years ago. He lived in Arizona and I lived here, yet we would spend hours upon hours talking to eachother whether it be via text messages, emails and phone calls. I knew that boy inside and out... I could predict his next words and he knew me, even when I didnt want him too. Eventually time steps in and you go your seperate ways. I talk to him on rare occasions and often times send random inside jokes just to remind him I still care and just a simple hello. Tonight, I caught up with him, thanks to the ever so generous internet. Our conversation made me laugh... somethings didn't change at all. I got a smart remark from him and I nicely returned the favor. I was reminded of his stubborn attitude he always graciously greeted me with, but I nicely returned the favor. And yet he's different. He is true to himself now and what he really wants in life, whether it be today, tomorrow or five years from now. He is headed somewhere finally and that made me happy. I'm quite proud of him and yet miss that sweet friend of mine all that much more!

Anyway, tonight I guess I just wanted to write... write about coming home, about life in Lewiston and write about how the world continues to amaze me every single day...

Until next time,
All my love
Meg

Yummmmmy!

2010-02-03T21:53:00.000-07:00

On one of those wonderful evenings of not being able to sleep, I spent the night baking cookies. Sadly Nate had no idea I was even awake! What a nice surprise to wake up too! I am obsessed with chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. It is an easy recipe that I have made for years. And although feeling creative I was limited on supplies. I don't trust society enough to venture out to the grocery store at four in the morning so the little supplies I had would have to work. After doing some research online, I found a sugar cookie I thought would work. In the process of making my sugar cookies, I realized I didnt have shortening... okay, I'll use butter. I dont have baking powder so I'll use baking soda. As I reach the baking instructions, I realize that this is making bar-cookies. That isn't what I want so I'll just have to get creative. Since I have a deep love for sugar, I rolled the cookies in powdered sugar and just watched them bake. I was a little worried as they seemed very oily and I was greatly afraid of them being hard and crunchy. (The one thing I can't stand about cookies... yuck)

When Nate woke up, I asked him to try each cookie. He had no problem trying the oatmeal cookies as he had shared some before, but he isn't a big fan of sugar cookies. I think he tried to get out of it, but I just wasn't going to let that happen. He eventually mustered up the courage to try one... Surprise! He liked it! Sadly the cookies were gone within two days and I am now cookieless.

Until my next motivational night...

All my love,
Meg

It's My Party and I'll Scream If I Want Too...

2010-02-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

Saturday January 30, 1988 my mom was gearing up for a beautiful baby shower. A time that she would gather with family and friends to play silly games, eat yummy foods, and open cute baby gifts. Apparently I had a different plan, or maybe I just didn't want to miss out on all the fun. Instead of attending the baby shower, my mom took a lovely, pleasant, easy, much desired, stroll to the hospital. (Sarcasm...) I made my arrival bright and early, and ended up ruining my own baby shower.

I've always been one that has something extravagant planned for my birthday. It always seems to be a hectic day trying to get family dinners and such organized for the day, but needless to say it's always enjoyed. It's a day about me... and Julie, of course! Julie and I have shared our birthday's for nearly all of my life and our celebration is normally done side by side. For my 16th Birthday Julie and I were surprised with a trip to Mexico. My 18th Birthday, we spent the day at the spa, shared an Italian dinner, French dessert and went go-kart racing after. Last year was a big year for both of us. It was another day spent at the spa enjoying some glasses of wine, chocolate, and of course an Italian lunch. I later went to dinner with my mom and then carried onto Buster's to meet my friends for a night of 'legal' drinking. (Of course, Dad was still in denial about this being the case)

Saturday January 30, 2010 fell last weekend, only 22 years later. For once I hadn't really given my Birthday much thought. It was another holiday away from home. I knew people in Lewiston, but why would they want to come out for my Birthday...? It was only my 22nd Birthday, nothing big this year! Anyway, Nate set up the plans and we carried onto Barley Hoppers for dinner and drinks. It was an evening that I would get all dolled up for and there was nothing bringing me down. The week prior was filled with excitement as each day I was greeted by texts from the people who were coming. They were as excited as me and I loved it. I couldn't wait to get out of this room where I sit day in and day out. I couldn't wait to socialize and just let loose! Derrikk would make the drive from Moscow, which meant the world. And my mom was actually in town for work, so she came over for a few drinks as well.

I started my evening by being a girl... I love the days that I get to get dressed up and just be a girl. I get to wear my make up and wear a dress. I get to curl my hair and paint my nails and just actually feel cute. It didn't hurt that it was MY birthday and it was a day for me to have fun! Nate and I met some friends at Barley Hoppers and enjoyed a fantastic meal. People slowly continued to join us and have drinks. The night was a night shared with some great people. It was a night of singing and dancing and screaming... a night of simple fun! Somehow in the night my mom and I switched shoes (and I completely did not match). And I spent so much time dancing I reached the point of being absolutely exhausted. Nate, Derrikk and I came back to the house and shared some Birthday cake I had made earlier and spent the rest of the evening talking and catching up. Overall it was a good night of fun... crazy... random.... fun!!!

Until Next Year...

All my love,

Meg

My "Wo"Man's Best Friend--

2010-02-02T23:33:00.000-07:00

Good evening all-
I have so much to write about yet don't take the time to sit down and write. After a quick overview of my recent blog posts, I realized I failed to post an update on Maxwell. (surprise, surprise) After our third trip to the vet in the last month, Max has made a new friend, Dr. Bell. She is the sweetest lady and love taking Maxwell to visit her. After our first visit, we decided that we should start with an increase in Max's medication, phenobarb. It seemed to work for a few weeks, but quickly thereafter Max started having seizures again. His seizures seemed to last longer, came more often and just seemed to be harder on his body and mental state so we ventured to the vet again for more tests.

After this visit, we left with the thoughts of visiting a neurologist and opthomalogist in hopes of trying to figure out what was causing his seizures. Although dreading the trip to Washington and a little bothered by the cost of these tests, Dr. Bell called with new thoughts. When we last increased Max's medication, his phenobarb levels were at a very low rate. Max would fast for 12 hours at home the following today and then we would venture back to the vet's office to have his liver checked. With this said, there was hope that with one more visit we might have taken a couple steps further to solving the reasons behind the seizures.

Max stayed at the vet for two hours that day while they monitored different progressions as he ate and drank and took his meds. It was hard to leave him and at first he wasn't too excited, but being Max, he will go with anyone as long as you show him a little bit of love! The next couple of hours dragged and it remained quiet at the house.... the call came in and I eagerly answered hoping for some answers. Of course, as always, I had to go get Max before I would have any answers although I didnt mind too much, I was going to get my boy! Yay!!

Once I got to the vet's office they had Max ready to greet me. They brought him down the hallway and that boy saw me. He ran and ran. As soon as he reached me, he tackled me and everyone just laughed at his silly self. They didn't expect him to have that reaction, although they were sure to tell me that he is 'one happy, plump, spoiled boy.' I could just smile. While we waited for Dr. Bell to get off the phone, Max and I took a seat. At first I tried to get him just to sit on the floor, then my lap which resulted in him taking the chair next to me. And he wasn't moving over for Dr. Bell to sit down! Silly, silly boy.

The results: Because of his levels being so low on his medication we would increase his dosage again and we added another medication to help with seizures. He will only be on the second medication for two weeks until the increased dosage of phenobarb takes effect. The only other major concern is his eyes. Eventually I will have to take him into a specialist to have his eyes looked at. He has a luxated lens in his right eye. It causes no problems at this moment, othen then him being blind, however if we leave it there it will potentially result in ulcers and could potentially lose his entire eye. So far Max has not been having any seizures, even his partial seizures and for that I breathe easier!

Hooray for Maxwell! He's a stud!
All my love,
Meg

Sleep Is Overrated-

2010-01-28T05:16:00.000-07:00

Good evening! Good Morning! Good day!
It is nearly four in the morning and it seems as though my eyes have yet to close, or maybe its the circle of thoughts that my mind keeps chasing hasn't come to an end. On nights like tonight where I go without sleep, I get irritated and stressed out. I dont know if its the lack of sleep taking a toll or that I'm just frustrated because I know I should be asleep and I'm not.

Over the last week I have definitely defined insomnia once again in my life. I took a sleeping pill two nights in a row... I finally realized on the third day that I couldnt function much on two hours of sleep. I felt like a walking zombey and truly could not think straight. I remember trying to text my dad and I just couldn't comprehend what he was saying to me or what I was trying to say back. So I have quit taking my beloved sleeping pills as I had originally hoped and planned for.

When I knew I was moving to Lewiston I made some great plans... my two biggest were to give up soda and quit taking my sleeping pill. The soda was completely gone for two weeks, until we happened to stop at a gas station on Christmas Eve and I just couldn't resist. I then ventured back to Boise and just haven't been able to give it up since. It was also a lot easier when we didn't have it in the fridge for company. As for the sleeping pills... well, I wanted to give them up. I knew I needed too. But before I moved I didn't think to do any research on 'quitting.' I was just too busy trying to get caught up in the office, school, move and anything that I needed to get done.Once finally moved I tried the whole 'no-sleeping pill' thing and I didn't even survive the first night. I then decided to look into the ways in which they recommend going off of the sleeping pills. Apparently you cant quit cold turkey, as it will actually cause insomnia. And I wasn't going back to Boise to talk to my doctor about slowly decreasing my dosage as I knew I still wouldn't sleep.

So... I have now quit cold- turkey. I guess I just dont see a point in slowly going off of them. I am on the highest dosage possible and its the only sleep-aid that actually affected me. In the meantime I am slowly trying to make slight efforts around the house whether it be to cut down sugar and caffeine (again with that no soda thing) or listening to music. I have also given myself so long to go to sleep or back to sleep... if I am not asleep within that given time, I get up and attempt to go do something productive. And another thing I do is write... which will be apparent when you read this post! ;)

Tonight I lay here wondering why it ever got this bad... I also wonder what I can possibly do to fix it. Everyone says meditate before bed, write, listen to music... there are so many things that you can do. And trust me, I can sit there and do it and it helps, but doesn't last. Maybe we aren't supposed to sleep more then an hour at a time...? I dont see how anyone can sleep a whole night through, is it possible? And after many different times of waking up in the middle of the night, Chelle and I decided that the sleeping pills might be a blessing in disguise. I tend to jump at the littlest of things, even if it's Nate coming in to make sure I'm asleep. And there are many nights that I wake up from my dream, or maybe nightmare that I don't remember nor do I want too.

Anyway.... this isn't what I planned on writing about tonight... really! I just wanted to write... and I wanted to write about the bazillion thoughts on my mind and where my life is headed. That would require me to know where to start... end... hmmm. Well, maybe I'll try and sort that out a little bit and then write about it? Or maybe not? You never know what you'll get from me.

Well, I am off to fold the laundry and then attempt to snooze a little before Max's morning seizure, Belle's potty break and as usual, followed by Nate's wake up call! I hope you are all sleeping wonderfully, maybe getting an extra Z for me too!

Good night.
All my love,
Meg

Do It Anyway

2010-01-26T13:48:00.001-07:00

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind.
Think big anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack if you help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

- Anonymous

Prayer or Two Needed, Please--

2010-01-26T01:34:00.000-07:00

Oh alright- So I just read my blog to Nate as he hasn't read it in a while... His remark was "It's sad that I learn more from your blog then yourself." And again, you catch me sitting here writing to my 5 followers and anyone who comes along. Today was a Monday... I don't even work and knew it was a Monday. Not that is has any bearing, I dont have a reason to get up tomorrow!

After my move to Lewiston, Maxwell decided start having seizures yet again. I tried to convince everyone to grant me the opportuniy to take him to Boise to see our normal vet. I had never in my life entered into a different vet clinic. My uncle was my vet and I knew he would be straight with me. After some persuasion, someone convinced me to go see the vet in Clarkston. Max had three seizured within 48 hours. Nate had never seen him during a seizure and at first he couldn't stand them, but now he does okay with them. (plug your ears and squeeze those eyes, hunny).

After a quick to visit... or maybe a couple hour visit, we had a phenobarb level checked. (the medication he is on, is sensitive to certain levels and must be checked from time to time) In the meantime we would increase his dosage and I was also given some sort of sedation, that still remains in the fridge. Since this visit, Maxwell has maintained partial seizures as he starts to go to sleep, but the vet never acknowledge this.

In the last few days, Maxwell has started having more seizures that have expanded in length as well as the way in which it impacts him. That is my lovely wake up call everyday, but I dont mind too much. The boy is worth it, what can I say?! I finally decided to call the vet this morning... they discovered more problems with him then imaginable and I'm not sure how we will proceed. We did some blood work today and will do more on Wednesday. Once these tests are completed with proper information we will determine the road in which to travel. In the meantime, Maxwell lays on the foot stool, barking at the front door over nothing! He's one spoiled puppy. However I must ask that you pray for him, no matter how silly it might sound. That puppy is 'my kid'.

Thanks for listening,
All my love,
Meg

Who are you...?

2010-01-24T03:00:00.003-07:00

Lately I have found myself back in a state of little to no sleep, of course leaving me hours upon hours to lay in bed, sometimes the couch, to bottomless thoughts that manage to run in circles. I have found myself going out of my way to avoid conversations with people whether it be via facebook, text, emails or phone calls. That isn't who I am. I am a talker... I talk about anything and everything and always have some story to share, trust me!

I got three messages last week from three random people. These were three people in which I knew from school and they needed me. They all had their own reasons and that was fine, but it was a reminder in which I've always been the one there to listen and of course share that honest opinion. But if you want to talk, talk away. They relied on me to help them cope or atleast calm down and come to terms with what might be going on. I had been selfish and consumed in my own little house, with my own problems and avoided every one in the process. For this I apologize to anyone who may have needed me for anything and I fell short. It was not my intentions...

The other thing I have come to discover is I dont feel I know who I am... I think I walk on egg shells to please the world and whom each individual feels I should be. Everyone does this to some sort of level... I can say that my heart is always there. But, well I dont know... I am opinionated and according to Nate "blunt." So I know for him to think that, I do talk, share my opinions and am who I am. I share what is on my mind and when I think you are in the wrong. But what about the little things... Who am I? Who do I want to be?

My name is Megan...
I will be 22 in less then a week.
I always thought I had big dreams and had my life planned out -- I now realize my life is mini-plans that will constantly change dependent upon 'cause and effect.' (People, Places, Actions, Reactions, Education, Jobs, Family and Friends...)
Today my favorite color is pink, but dont get me wrong... I love bright yellow, burnt orange, brown, black, bright red and white too.
Growing up I always wanted to follow my dad. I wanted to be admired like him and be an influential person... -- I even tried to get a degree in Criminal Justice. (Later, I realized I could be influential and admired in a different way)
I love chocolate... or anything with sugar!
I currently attend school and as much as I complain, I love it. I have never not gone to school since I started back in Kindergarten. When I dont have school in my life, I'm quite bored.
Teaching has always been my passion, even when I was little... I think I'm just so indecisive that I want to do a little bit of everything, and today I am still the same. I want to teach, but I want to be a counselor. I want to take pictures and own my own business. I want to speak to people about my past and try to help just ONE person....
I am an independent person.
I am a junk food junky... any time I can get some greasy, gross, disgusting fake meal that is made in three minutes I love it.
My silent fix for bad days is a soda... (and I wish I would quit, but it could always be worse)
I dont have the slightest idea how to cook... but love, love, love to bake.
I have road rage... and once all is said and done, I laugh at myself.
I am jealous of good 'mother-daughter' relationships. -- One day!
I never in my life believed in regrets -- yet today, I have one and it will haunt me until the day I die.
Sometimes I secretly believe I have the key to fix the world... if only everyone would see it my way. :)
-- No really, I just try to fix everything I can, even if its not possible.
I love to write and take pictures.
My little brother is truly the center of my world... even when he gets on my nerves!
I dont remember much from my childhood...
I am afraid of the dark.
I love fettucini alfredo, hamburgers, fresh fruit and vegetables.
I never knew what one meant when saying "A dog is a man's best friend." Maxwell is my kid.
I am self conscious -- physcially and mentally.
I am currently engaged to a beautiful man named Nate.
Life is not perfect.... in fact my life is a CraZy rollercoaster ride.
Getting my buzz on from time to time is fun.... but I fear going over the top.
I love my alone time.
Music makes my day... whether I be happy, sad, angry, scared or frustrated. Whether I want to dance, laugh, cry, think or just drive... I love music.
When little, I was quick to grow up, like every kid... now I miss the innocense and lack of responsibility.
I love, love, love to take naps.
One day, I hope to get married and have kids running around...
I always wanted to be a stay at home momma, but now I am not so sure.
I am amazing at holding grudges.... and wish I knew how to just let go.
I live my life by order... everything is accomplished on a schedule and done within a time frame. (hopefully)
I wish I was a more selfless person and carried a bigger heart.
Spur of the moment ideas and adeventures are normally the best, yet I can't do em.
I love being a girl.... but once I am already ready. -- Doing my hair and makeup exhausts me.
I always wish for more time...
I was informed I put on a front when meeting people, a front like I am a hard, strong person. -- it makes me sad to know, but I strive to be different because that is the furthest thing from whom I am.
I have a hard time being sympathetic.
Girls nights, dinners, lunches, coffee dates make me happy.
Catching up with friends is a great feeling, especially when it's been a while.
I was always afraid... but now, I look forward to the day I will see that boy.

I realize that I am never going to be satisfied with life, living the way in which I live today... with this said, I must learn who I am and stick to my grounds. I swear. I want a tattoo or two and sometimes, I even like to dress up... maybe it goes back to that saying "I want my cake and eat it too." However, there are many times in which I feel I sell myself short... Anyway... thought of the day!

Who are you?

All my love,
Meg

A Dream Within A Dream-

2010-01-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
Edgar Allan Poe

Superstition...

2010-01-07T23:30:00.000-07:00

While growing up, I spent numerous days and nights with my Nana Bobbie. She is that one lady who taught me what road rage might be. She was always the one to push me to try something new and the one who always was a support and a cheerleader even if she didn't agree. Nana has always been the person to open her door even at the worst of times. We spent many days eating Subway and watching ER. We spent numerous trips across Boise and beyond getting lost for a day. Nana and I learned how to dance the Irish jig together. Gosh that Nana of mine, she brings tears to my eyes simply from laughter! She is loud, opinionated and amazing. One thing that she is passed on to be is superstitions.

Superstitions are a credulous belief or notion, that maintains no basis upon reason, knowledge, or experience. The word is often used in reference to folk beliefs deemed irrational. This leads to some superstitions being called "old wives' tales". It is also commonly applied to beliefs and practices surrounding luck, prophecy and spiritual beings, particularly the irrational belief that future events can be influenced or foretold by specific unrelated prior events.

When discussed with other people, they either look at you like you just might be slightly crazy... and others know exactly what you are talking about. Nate and I again tend to be opposites! He is not a superstitious person... I on the other hand am and he laughs about it all of the time. (As if my OCD wasn't enough to make him laugh)

Now... there are superstitions for anything and everything you could possibly think of. I of course must limit my life to only a few... or then some. If I followed all 'old wives' tales, my life would be crazy. I also seem to think I would be spending more time trying to remember what each superstition just might be! A few of my favorite are as follows....

To predict the sex of a baby: Suspend a wedding band held by a piece of thread over the palm of the pregnant girl. If the ring swings in an oval or circular motion the baby will be a girl. If the ring swings in a straight line the baby will be a boy.
You must get out of bed on the same side that you get in or you will have bad luck.
When a bell rings, a new angel has received his wings.
If you blow out all the candles on your birthday cake with the first puff you will get your wish.
The Blarney Stone is a stone set in the wall of the Blarney Castle tower in the Irish village of Blarney. Kissing the stone is supposed to bring the kisser the gift of persuasive eloquence (blarney.)
Everything the bride says as she opens her gifts will be repeated on her wedding night. Somone should be assigned to write down these comments during the shower.
Save the ribbons from the shower gifts to make a mock bouquet to be used at the wedding rehearsal.
Something old, Something new, Something borrowed, Something blue, And a lucky sixpence in her shoe.
The new bride must enter her home by the main door, and must not trip or fall - hence the custom of carrying the bride over the threshold.
Three butterflies together mean good luck.
If your cheeks suddenly feel on fire, someone is talking about you.
It's good luck to find a four-leaf clover.
It's bad luck to pick up a coin if it's tails side up. Good luck comes if it's heads up.
Don't step on a crack on a sidewalk or walkway.
If your right ear itches, someone is speaking well of you. If your left ear itches, someone is speaking ill of you.
If an eyelash falls out, put it on the back of the hand, make a wish and throw it over your shoulder. If it flies off the hand the wish will be granted.
Friday the 13th.
Pulling out a gray or white hair will cause ten more to grow in its place.
If the palm of your right hand itches it means you will soon be getting money. If the palm of your left hand itches it means you will soon be paying out money.
It is bad luck to walk under a ladder.
To break a mirror means 7 years bad luck.
A girl standing under a mistletoe cannot refuse to be kissed by anyone who claims the privilege.
An onion cut in half and placed under the bed of a sick person will draw off fever and poisons.
A rabbit's foot will bring luck and protect the owner from evil spirits if carried in the pocket.
Bad luck will follow the spilling of salt unless a pinch is thrown over the left shoulder into the face of the devil waiting there.
Do not place shoes upon a table, for this will bring bad luck for the day, cause trouble with your mate and you might even lose your job as a result.
It's bad luck to leave shoes upside down.
Place a hand in front of your mouth when sneezing. Your soul may escape otherwise.
The devil can enter your body when you sneeze. Having someone say, "God bless you," drives the devil away.
All wishes on shooting stars come true.
It's bad luck to open an umbrella inside the house, especially if you put it over your head.
A watermelon will grow in your stomach if you swallow a watermelon seed.
Knock three times on wood after mentioning good fortune so evil spirits won't ruin it.
If you make a wish while throwing a coin into a well or fountain, the wish will come true.
If you tell someone your wish, it won't come true.
The number of Xs in the palm of your right hand is the number of children you will have.
If a black cat crosses your line of walk, it means bad luck.
When driving over railroad tracks, touch something metal.

I think I listed a few more then I thought I was aware of. I remember always throwing salt over your shoulder. I was always taught to say "bless you" after a sneeze and get offended when people dont return the same. I dont walk under ladders, I make sure to walk around. I always take extra care to avoid black cats and when moving a mirror around, it is always carried with two hands and taken good care of. I always sat in the hottub and wished on the first shooting star and would throw coins in the fountain at the mall while making a wish. On my birthdays, I'd make a wish... not sure if all the candles ever got blown out at once! Silly little things, but just the way in which I was raised... just another part of life! (not something I think of twice)

Well as you can see... I am one superstitious lady. Are you???

All my love,
Meg

2010 Began-

2010-01-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

Can you believe that it has been 10 years since Y2K? The time in life where the world would be forever changed. You loaded up your pantries and tried to back up all that you could. Power would no longer work and we as people would no longer know how to survive! Strangely... it turned midnight and the new year began, nothing changed beyond the day that would now show on calendars, computers, phones, checks... I would have been 11 when that time rolled around and I wish I could remember how I rang in that New Year. I dont have the slightest idea as I was only in the sixth grade and anxiously awaiting the arrival of who is now my little brother, my love, the center of my world. I dont remember who I was even friends with that time of my life or if I would have been sharing the time with my dad or with my mom.

This year was my first year with Nate to ring in a New Year, but I was anxious to go home. I was anxious to see my family and my friends. I was anxious to be in a place that was familiar to me. It was also another holiday that stood seperately for Nate and I. Nate loves New Year. He loves to stay up and celebrate the 12:00 chimes. I could honestly care less. Its another night... another change on the calendar... another change when writing a date. So for my New Year's Eve 2009-2010 I drove to Boise. A typical five hour drive took me a little more then seven hours fighting wind, snow and darkness. I drove incredibly slow, but it didn't phase me. Dad and Nate both stressed, "Look at the weather!" "Check the road conditions." Of course, in my stubborn state of mind, refused. I didn't care if I drove through a blizzard. I didn't care if it would take me forever. I would be fine... My mind was set and that was where I was headed! I made it to Boise and ate dinner with both my dad and Julie. It was a fabulous dinner. Of course I loved the corn bread most, follwed by potatoes, and then pulled pork! After this, I was quick to go to bed. The drive made me drowsy... I attempted to sleep through the New Year, but the challenge came from leaving my sleeping pills at my house in Lewiston. So instead of celebrating or sleeping through the year change, I watched 'Burn Notice' marathon until 4 in the morning followed by the 'Law n Order' marathon until 8.

The next few days were spent with family and friends. Spending time in the place I know as home. I ran errands and saw places I hadn't seen in a whole three weeks. That was longest I had ever been away and I feel so silly. My grandma was admitted to the hospital while I was there, so I spent a day sitting at her side and helping the family out where I could. I went to the movie theatres twice... amazing!! :) I saw two really good, opposite movies! I ate a ton of food and was 'busy-busy' according to Nate!

My computer got fixed and it was time to venture back to Lewiston. I of course was set back a day and don't feel like I am getting caught back up. I got to Lewiston in five hours! The drive was beautiful... and not snowy! When getting back to the house I was greeted by two loving puppies and a man who was eager to hold me in his arms! We quickly ventured to the grocery store and bought some snacky food as it was game night. The fiesta bowl was coming... Go Big Blue! Nate was great and cleaned house, to the best of his ability and I greatly appreciate that. (Even if it did mean just putting things in cupboards and drawers.)

The fiesta bowl went well! Boise State kicked butt and I ate too much food! It was nice to see everyone, and we were all together in celebration! Today I am spending the day cleaning house, getting the laundry done, making necessary phone calls, catching up on homework and hopefully baking my cookies finally!

I hope everyone has a good day and I will talk to you soon...

All my love,
Meg

The Holiday Season 2009-

2009-12-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

Coming along with a move and quitting my job, it appears the holidays have crept up on me all too soon. Tonight is Nate's last night working for a little while and I am so excited. We might actually get to spend time together, do something other then rotate who's turn it is to sleep in the bed. (this comes from us being on complete different schedules) I am hoping that we can go out tonight... I'm in the mood for something new to eat...... french toast! ;) He doesn't know about this plan though!! Tomorrow morning we will... I will get up early and get ready, probably wrap some gifts and get the last minute things done. Nate will get up at a decent time regardless!! I am a morning person, I like to get going and we have some very important people to see! We will make the drive to Kamiah to see his parents, his sister and the littles! I am excited as I hear that Christmas is the big Basaraba holiday!

However also follows the sadness that I wont be with my little brother for the holidays. Dont get me wrong I love being with all of my family, but my brother and I had our traditions down to a 'T'! This year we will not have a Christmas Eve dinner. We will not stay up until some super late hour watching Christmas movies and tracking Santa Clause online. We will not fight the excitement of the holiday season and pretend to be asleep! When seven am rolls around, we will not be crawling into bed with mom, asking for the okay to simply open our stockings before the grandparents make it home. Jarod will be so anxious that he'll be running around in his PJ's with his Santa hat on, passing out presents and getting lost in his mounds of toys and clothes and movies! It bums me out to think that this year is going to be different... but is going to be different for everyone in my family. Julie went to Seattle to be with the kids. We didn't have a dinner or anything, I guess I also no longer live there. Grandma should hopefully just be getting home from the hospital in Salt Lake and Jarod will be with his dad. It's a quiet holiday year....

Next year, I hope nate and I will be settled in and not moving again. Allowing us to set up a christmas tree and actually celebrate christmas and anything else that follows the holiday season!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays
All my love,
Meg

Unworthiness...

2009-12-22T02:29:00.000-07:00

I write tonight in an effort to actually open my heart. There is a lot weighing on my mind and yet it seems the more I discuss it, the more I realize I should just keep it in. Keeping things in hurts me as I process and stress and analyze until there is no more to be considered. I apologize that most of my postings are sad... I am quite the pessimistic person and for that I am not a fan of whom I am. It's not that I enjoy it, but happiness just doesn't seem to be my life most days.... or maybe just not something I am used too.
Today I write from this feeling of unworthiness, not good enough, sadness, and frustration. After certain events from my past I live in fear and lack enjoyment from the things I once loved and endured. I often times pass this off as my depression which I know is part of the cause... but then there is more. I moved to Lewiston and I live in fear. Nate works all night and sleeps all day leaving me to the house alone. Which is fine, but there are times that I truly am just afraid. As an example, I took a shower tonight and I was deathly afraid of leaving the bathroom. In fact I had 911 on my phone if need be. I dont want to lve this way, but I dont remotely know how to get out of it. Before I get in a car, I check the backseats and all the way forward to make sure there is no one sitting inside. It's how I was raised... as my family jokes around, I grew up watching Cops from the age of 3. You face the front door to know what people are coming in and where. You watch for anything that might be suspicious... I am just a paranoid person. And here with Nate, I have some adjusting that must be done...
Tonight it effects my relationship and for that it stresses me out like nothing else. I dont know how to explain a feeling of such degree and allow it to not be personal. It has nothing to do with him... nothing at all. But apparently that is where it has gotten and for that I feel horrible... I just dont know where to go. I dont know what to do. I dont know where this is now headed.... I dont know what to say.
I just wish he would realize... I am the one that feels like crap. I am the one that feels unworthy and as if he can go find something better. I have baggage... baggage he doesnt deserve nor does he understand. How can he when I can't even explain it. I dunno....

Good night
Meg

Settled In-

2009-12-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

Greetings-
I moved to Lewiston nearly a week ago. The move was a disaster and a half, but we survived our nearly 7 hour, white nuckled, snow blowing journey! In an attempt to get settled we have unpacked everything, just not quite managed to put it all away yet! The week has been interesting. The first couple days I stayed at home, in the house in fear or meeting people, getting lost, looking dumb. Eventually there were things I just had to have in an effort to get the house a little more organized and finish becoming a home! While Nate slept, I set the GPS thingy and drove my way through town, only getting lost once!
The last few nights some of Nate's friends have visited or gotten me out of the house while he worked! It was nice and greatly appreciated. I have had some fun! Some fun I didn't necessarily see coming in the near future! I baked some cookies which Nate took to work and am attempting to get the dogs on a schedule, but it would help if I myself was on one! Now to find a job.....
All in all, I am doing pretty well. I have talked to my mom every day as an effort to keep up with my grandma and her health. It seems that she is actually doing pretty well right now and should be having the train removed from her head sometime later today!
I guess I just wanted to check in... Life is good. Its a dance to a new tune. A new life with no schedule which challenges all that I have done to have control of my life. It's probably a good thing!
Anyway, I am off to bed!

All my love,
Meg

Oh My Goodness!!-

2009-12-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

The count down has began... well it began a few days ago. However, I am moving in just a few short days. After tomorrow I am officially unemployed. Eeeeks! I secretly keep looking for jobs, hoping Nate will just go with the flow! Besides, how much fun is it for him to work overtime every week! ;) Somehow I dont think I'll be getting a job as quickly as I want! My nerves have totally began, the reality has set in...

Tomorrow is the last day of my job... I am training Neenah to take over and I never imagined it being a challenge. I never realized how in depth my job got. I took so many things for granted and my job was a breeze to me. The next couple days will be challenging! Tonight I am meeting a couple different girlfriends to share stories and catch up and end with a good bye. Tomorrow I will work and finish moving my stuff to dad's to be repacked.

Followed by friday, the crazy day of getting all the last minute things done in Boise like servicing the car, and getting Max's meds. I need to go to the dentist, pay some bills and close my old bank acnt. Followed by an evening with my lovely fiancee finally meeting the other side of my family. I can't wait!

Saturday morning will probably come all too early and Nate and I will hit the road. We are hoping to make it to Lewiston at a decent time so we can start unpacking, possibly do a little grocery shopping and actually get something done before he goes back to work.

It's funny to learn, after a year and a half of counseling, how your dreams really do reflect upon your actual life. I am one stressed out lady who stresses about anything and everything and probably even the things, you wouldn't think you could stress about! I had a dream earlier this week about moving in with Nate. This wasn't approve of as we are not married so I ended up getting an apartment a couple doors down from Nate and slept in the kitchen. This is the most odd thing ever... especially when I so rarely remember my dreams in general! I guess it's just that added stress of upsetting his family.

Buttttttttt as I have had to fight for this move, for my engagement and for becoming my own person I have learned that it is my time to shine. This is my time to live my life and create my own home. After previous events in my life, I struggle to live with anyone so moving in with Nate should be interesting, however good! Gosh... my mind is in a whirl-wind of thoughts! They just keep coming and coming and going and coming and....

Anyway, I am all too far behind!
All my love,
Meg

Just A Wish-

2009-12-06T15:43:00.000-07:00

Today is Sunday, the day I would typically spend working on school and vegging out in bed! I managed to get out of bed this morning excited for a day of shopping with my girlfriend all to be placed on the back burner. No big deal, I just wanted to get my shopping done and go crawl into bed anyway so that just might be what I do. Needless to say I spent five hours shopping and the only thing I bought was some extreme frustration, a soda pop and a wasted aftenoon.

I'm not a huge fan of shopping regardless of how my fiancee might feel! I don't like people, or getting a sales pitch when walking through each door. But what drives me most crazy is when I'm on a mission... a mission to find something that I feel I need, and mind you there is quite a bit before I move to Lewiston in an effort to start a new chapter in my life and I can not find what I am looking for. Who knew bedding would be such a challenge...? Curtains to match the other themes throughout the house...? Night stands...? Something to store Nate's movies in....? A lot of it is simply my doing, yes I know. I have this huge issue with things that have to match, they have to line up and I can't stand clutter. Ughhh!

Needless to say, I decided to call it quits! I'll save the little money Nate and I have saved up and... well, I dont really know! But I can tell you I am moving in less then a week. I am trying to remain optimistic. I am trying to remain excited, happy and thrilled to start this new chapter. Don't get me wrong, I am happy! As said before, I'm a 'happy happy girl.' But it's a struggle too! I started my good bye's in the last couple of days and they've gone okay. Today, I managed to find the courage to go see my grandparents. On the drive, I called Nate and simply asked for him to pray for me. It's not easy for me to leave my family, as I've never known my life apart from them. I see my grandparents every single day for lunch. However they are leaving in the morning, headed to Salt Lake for surgery later this week. I've put off visiting them this last week for a couple of different reasons. I had a lot to change and get done before I moved and my grandparent's reaction towards my engagement was, well, disappointing.

I know my grandparents... I know them all to well. They are the masterminds behind skepticism. That's find, I'm a skeptic too. It runs in my blood and heck yes I have fear walking away from what I have here. But I wish.... When you are a little girl, growing up you always look for the day that you'll get married. You dream of that man whom you'll walk down the aisle. You dream of your dress, the colors, the planning, the guests, the cake, the happiness, the smile, the laughter. Even today, as I sit here dreaming of what my wedding might be, I see happiness. Yet, my engagement has been lacking the happiness, the smiles, the laughter and even the simple word "Congratulations." I struggle as this is Nate's blood. Quick to get engaged and the wife stay's home and they live happily ever after. Don't get me wrong, it's more then a dream come true for me... but for my family, thats another story. I need to finish school and work and get rich and make a lot of money. This is where our country has gone wrong... and it's depressing.

Is it too much for me to ask for the simple "Congratulations cousin, neice, daughter, granddaughter, sister, auntie, friend...?" I have to grow up at some point in my life. I will continue going to school. And financially Nate and I have a plan. Yes, I am well aware that things change and other things come up, but that is the joy of life. Let me live it. Quit telling me how I'm 'screwing up my life,' how I'm 'going nowhere now," how I 'wont amount to anything,' how I'm 'making a huge mistake.' Trust me, I question it enough as it is. It's not easy, but it would be a lot easier if there was support behind me. If there was an opitimistic family that stood behind me through the thick and through the thin. Am I mistaken as to what a family is? Maybe a family is supposed to question you and doubt your moves. Maybe a family isn't supposed to just be there. I dont know... I dont know... I dont know...

And then there is Nate's family who is just so ecstatic and I love it. It scares me at times and often times I find myself quite jealous as I just can't relate. I just can't..... I wish I could. And trying to explain this to Nate get's me no where. It allows room for Nate to be upset with my family and with the people that make me who I am. And that definitely isn't what I need. Ughhh... I dunno. I'm just ready to go. I just want to sleep the next week of my life away as I know it's going to be an amazingly large challege for me. But, as usual I'll get up and put a smile on and try my hardest to remain strong.

All my love,
Meg

The First Week-

2009-12-03T15:08:00.000-07:00

From the day I signed my lease to the day I moved, I was granted two and a half weeks to pack up and prepare myself for that next great journey. I knew the couple weeks of cramming to get all done would be a challenge not only with time, but with patience, understanding and finding the easiest way to insure that I truly did get everything done. I guess I just try to remain hopeful that things might end up better then what I know. I always know it is going to get worse before it gets better. I always know it's never going to be something simple and nothing will ever go the easy way. I always know that the ones that surround me will question every little move I make regardless of how big or small my transition may be.

This week I feel almost crazy and the thought itself scares me. One minute I am happy and excited and the next I'm sad, scared and angry. I am almost 22 and have some major transitions that lie ahead of me. Transitions I didn't see coming six months ago! I am excited for my journey to begin... I always catch myself saying "I am excited for my life to begin." But, my life has began! It began a long time ago... this is just another new beginning that I really truly want and feel I deserve. However, I am deathly afraid of what the next 9 days will bring to me and the individuals around me.

I find myself distracted with all of the little things needing to get done between the car, the dog, the packing, my job, the dentist, the bank, bills and so many other little things. I've always heard that when one moves it is stressful, and I believe that I have a reached a whole new level of understanding of that stress this week. I take my sleeping pill and still manage to be up throughout the night making lists upon lists of different things I need to do, whether it be at work, making phone calls, visiting people, sometimes it is lists of things Nate and I still need for our house or maybe what my next action plan might be. My mind is always going... fear that Nate and I are going to fight. Fear that I just am not strong enough. Fear that my mom and I are going to end on bad terms. Fear that my brother just might hate me once I move. Fear that I will no longer get to see my neices grow. Fear that my grandma will not be okay. Fear that I will not here to help where I can when necessary. Fear I wont be able to pay my bills. Fear.... just fear. I am scared, there is no denying that.

The other day I was asked "How can I just up-root and go? How can I not think of anyone else? Or how it impacts them and their lives? How can I just be so dang selfish and do this?" Well... I've put my life on hold. I have put off moving for a few months now. I feel like I am always tending to others and insuring that everyone else is fed, taken care of, loved, has someone to talk too or just be there. My question to you is... "Why can't I do something to make myself happy for once?" Is that really asking for too much? I will be 22 next month, it is time that I grow up and create my own life! I create my own family and we make our own friends. I make my own home, my own routine, my own rules. It is my time and I wish.... I wish that I didn't have to fight for it.

Anyway.... Nine days and counting. A lot to happen between now and then. so much that I truly don't know where to begin, so I fill my time with things like writing this blog. So unhealthy! But such is life. I have big plans tonight to write my to-do list and action plan to have some direction to make it through! I am off to work to get something done....

All my love,
Meg

Going To Be A Mrs.-

2009-12-01T21:26:00.000-07:00

Good evening!
I write to you from this giddy little feeling. A feelng of joy, happiness, anxiety and just I dont even know. My stomach is in knots and my heart is full of love! I feel like a little girl, so eager to start that next chapter! Start my new life and make my own family that is our own home. As it stands... One day, I will be a Mrs. B! That is a Mrs. Basaraba! ;)

On November 25th I flew into Lewiston to spend the holiday weekend with Nate. We were going to sign our lease on our home, visit it and then drive to Spokane. I am a person who goes to bed early but Nate was set on us going to Spokane that night. I argued it and fought it the whole way there. Not that I didn't want to be there, I was just so dang sleepy and had had a HORRIBLE day! I was one grumpy, grumpy, grumpy lady! On our drive I told Nate that I had had fears and that I needed something to reassure me that we were making the right decision. We were both afraid of disappointing our families and nervous to take that next step. Nate was quiet, oh so quiet. I shrugged it off as I could sit and talk forever, if you'd let me!

When getting to Spokane, Nate called for directions to the park. I had no idea what was going on. I was amazed by the buildings and the roads and just the world of Spokane. I was completely exhausted and just acting obnoxious while getting lost trying to find the park. Needless to say after a while, we made our way and there was no one round. It was dark outside, keeping in mind I am afraid of the dark. And even more so... I am afraid of the dark and open spaces. I asked Nate why we were parked in the middle of no where and he insisted that we had to walk to this bonfire we were attending. I didn't want to smell like smoke, so I changed my clothes and started this hike. Along our walk, I told Nate he should have told me we were walking so far, I would have changed out of my heels! I then proceeded to say "Nate, this place creaps me out. I am so not a fan of parks when it is dark outside!" I got the response of "That's not really what I was going for." It caught me off guard and I questioned it, but simply disregarded it. I was cold, in heels, in the dark and tired! As we continue to walk forward there are lights in front of us, at which time I look at Nate... "Are you lying to me about what we are doing here...?" Again thinking, maybe he just wanted a romantic night for us, how sweet!

As we get closer to the lights they start dancing and become individual tea-light candles. You continue to get closer and the rose petals are around the candles. Again, "Awe... someone is having a romantic night." There were blankets on the bench with some mugs and hot cocoa. It was beautiful. I still just thought... we are still headed for this bonfire that juts doesn't make much sense. I stopped to read the candles and in the center were the words MARRY ME? I stared blankly, it complete shock. I am pretty sure I asked him if he was serious, or maybe this was a joke?! Sure enough Nate got down on one knee... Again not saying anything from his nerves. My head, my heart, my mind, my body was shouting..."YES! Yes, of course! Don't say Anything." But the better part of me took over and said it's a once in a lifetime thing... make him ask!

Eventually Nate stammered out the words "so... uhh... uhmm... will you... uhm... marry me?!" I jumped up and gave him a big hug! He gave me one back followed by the ring! Beautiful, simple, petite! It fits just right... minus the size being a little too big! I love it! Dave and Chelle were parked in the car down the road a ways and they came up to take pictures and give love and just be apart of this. I loved it! Loved loved loved loved LOVED it!

I remember just sitting on the bench in total shock. I felt horrible for not helping clean up... but gosh I just... it just kept replaying and I was overwhelmed with different thoughts, feelings emotions. It was a great thing and I really, really, really just wanted to share!!

All my love,
The soon to be Mrs. Basaraba

Meg

Funny Feelings-

2009-11-25T14:11:00.001-07:00

Last night I wrote about being nervous and sad. I am ooberly stressed out to move from the place I call 'home,' but we have a plan... Nate and I have talked about this for a very long time and have slowly saved up money. The plan has managed to change month to month, but it still exists. The time frame has been from every angle you could imagine, all to end up how we first originally planned!

Although, maintaining some troubles at home and having fear of not finding a new job I have hope. Nate and my plan was confirmed today (payday) that all would be okay for a few months! I will see what we will now call home and I am anxiously awaiting the opportunity to start decorating in my mind! I'm sure I'll drive Nate crazy, but he wont mind once all is said and done! He reminds me that it is small, but I am kind of thrilled... not a lot of cleaning or high utility bills! It has the requirements I needed... a two bedroom place that had a yard for our puppies, the children!

Today I have found the peace of being optimistic. I have found the peace in knowing that I have done what I can to calm waters around me. I have also had that one awakening, yet again, as to why this is a good thing and maintain high hopes that one day the sun will shine through!

As for the weekend, it begins today... Two hours and counting! I will catch my flight to meet Nate, as he anxiously awaits for me... and to get the approval of our 'home.' We will make the drive to visit his sister and I can hear her sweet voice now. "Yay, you're here!!" Connie will be there to give me a hug. Hopefully it will be a weekend full of laughter, memories, stories and endless conversation....... and naps!

Happy Turkey Day!!
All my love,
Meg

A While Back-

2009-11-24T21:35:00.000-07:00

While growing up, I have always found peace in writing. Whether it be writing random words that pop into my head, writing letters to people or just about what I am going through. There was even a time in my life, in high school, I was incredibly depressed and a perfectionist, yet the best way for me to let my emotions out seemed to be to take a colored piece of paper and scribble... I would scribble and scribble and scribble until that page was almost black. Odd, Ill never forget that! It sat on my teacher's bulletin day in and day out as a reminder to me... I dont think that was a healthy feeling. I've found myself off track...

When I was little I had an aunt, Aunt Dode, who I spent a lot of time with. Every trip she would take she would send letters and pictures, bags of sand, rocks or shells. It never failed, she always remembered. It was always personalized as well. We would make ice cream together every fourth of July. We would swing on the swings, slide the slides, take endless walks. She was a wonderful lady and I loved her so much.

When she and my uncle got a divorce, I still kept in touch with her. She is the one who got me started on email actually. I would communicate daily with her and she would share stories, pictures and poems with me. She had gotten a new house and was so eager to show it to me and have a girls day with all the others. I dont know how many times she mentioned this. The time came and the time went... I never made it over there. She sent me an invite to a candle party and I blew it off. I was young, why would I go to a candle party? Instead I decided to go out with a girlfriend and would catch up with Aunt Dode for our 'girls day.' The following week I received notification that my dad would be at the school to pick me up. Aunt Dode had passed away. She hadn't been feeling well, so she had gone home from work early. The next day she never made it back to work. No one's ever came out and told me what happened... but... I know...

I remember her funeral. She was such an amazing woman. The whole building was filled with people. There was no more room to sit, so people stood shoulder to shoulder in an effort to make room. I remember leaving half way through the funeral as I just didn't think I would make it through. We went to the graveside service and still to this day I visit. It is no where anywhere close to me, but it's a gorgeous place. I write her often, take her flowers when I visit and enjoy her view of the canyon...

Aunt Dode-
I always tend to write you in the times that I am down. I am learning about God and turning to him, but still find it foreign at times. However, I truly believe that you are blessing, you are my angel. It seems that whenever I have you to turn to things always turn up. So today I think of you and our walk in the park that cold, brisk fall day. I think of all of those pictures you always took and want to take your place. I want to be an Aunt like you were. So I hope that I am headed on the right track, and I hope you are there to lend a helping hand when I just might need it. I know the next little while is going to be rough, and it's even harder since it is the winter. I worry... I worry so much about that. But I'll pull through. Know that I love you and I miss you. Take care of Koltyn.

All my love,
Meg

Today It Began...

2009-11-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

What remains unknown to the majority of people today is that I have quit my job. I thought it would be easy as there were many days filled with complaints, frustration, and lack of appreciation. However, I dont have another job to go too and I am so used to paying my own bills. And it saddened me to think and imagine that in just a few simple weeks I would no longer be under American Family. Ahhh!

I would no longer have that 'big brother' Dan to flip me crap and bring me presents from the parking lot. I wouldn't have anyone to bicker over every single thing whether it be a pen cap, a peice of paper, or a client. Dan would no longer be there to show me the other side of the world I never knew, understood or even remotely imagined. I wouldn't hear of his three children growing up and meeting his lovely wife for dinner. There would no longer be this truly amazing love-hate relationship to contend with each day! Sad.

Jess, the 'voice' of American Family... her and her long blonde hair! The girl I have encountered many times in my life, yet never knew who she was. She has become a truly amazing support system for me... her and I could spend hours upon hours talking Often times, we'd send eachother little messages reading the other's mind. I never realized how close I was to these two people and their lives. And I never knew what role they played in mine. Jess and I realized next week will be our last week of working together and that was sad. I often times feel like a little school girl. I can't wait for the weekend to be over to tell Jess what happened! Other times, we would compare our TV shows of the night. And often times, I still managed to find myself texting her in the middle of the nights or during a weekend.

I thought it would be easy... something simple to say "good bye" too. I thought leaving my clients that drive me absolutely crazy would be a relief. Instead, I find myself creating mental notes for the next girl to call them on certain days before they go past due! Jess mentioned today that she would have some very sad clients to deal with, and I found myself upset to be leaving them. I've known many of them for over two years, seeing them on a monthly basis. I have seen clients fall off of roofs and go through rehab to get better, or motorcycle accidents. I have seen many, many kids get licensed, followed my accidents. (and sometimes not) I sit here thinking, I wonder if I should write all of my main clients a little note just to let them know what they really did mean to me.

I thought putting in my notice was a simple task. I thought packing the rest of my stuff and moving to Lewiston would easy. It would be a relief. I wouldn't be in my mom's hair anymore. I'd be closer to Nate and I could start a new life. A new life where I dont live in fear of my past, a new life with new people and perhaps even become closer to my family. I've found I keep in better contact with the people that are futher... and even my dad mentioned the same thing. But it's not easy. Forget the stresses of moving alone, the thought of saying good bye is hard. The thought of knowing I wotn have Jarod to yell at for shooting me with his nerf guns anymore. I wont have Tucker to attack Maxwell. I wont have my mom to laugh and hang out with. I wont be able to drive down the road to my grandma's to have lunch with Tino, my lunch buddy! I wont see my cousins continue to grow, alongside my brother. I will no longer have my one hour a week to talk to Auni, cry, laugh, smile, scream, or whatever else came to mind. I wont have that chance to go see whomever I knew or wanted whenever the time was convenient. My all the things I have taken for granted...

My good bye's started today. I had to say good bye to the two little boys I have watched since even before they were born, if you could imagine! (started with their older who is now a senior in highschool) Jake is now 7... and a half, today exact. Gosh I have watched that boy since he was little just to chase him around the house, play hide n seek, watch cartoons and tonight we played life. And sweet little Trey. He is two... he's a stud whom I love like no other! He asked me to his Thanksgiving dinner. He made me laugh so hard. He was just this sweet little innocent boy, while I lie in the middle of the floor amazed at how much the two of them have grown and changed and developed. ..... Ending with a long hug and a simple "good bye."

This move is not easy. But I will try my hardest to look forward and know that this isn't forever... I can always come back and visit and the people, no matter where they are will always be a part of me.

Good night.
All my love,
Meg

What are you thankful for...?

2009-11-21T11:41:00.062-07:00

Recently I've noticed many people saying what they might be thankful for whether it be via facebook, text messagse, phone calls or even conversations over coffee. I like this concept yet never managed to open my own heart and see what I was thankful for. This coming week is what I refer to ask 'Turkey Day." Nate is quick to always be on my rear and correct me... "Megan, it isn't Turkey Day, it's Thanksgiving." Needless to say, it is now Turkey Day just to annoy the man! ;)

The holidays dont seem to tickle my fancy as it just seems to be more stress then all that it is worth. The majority of my holidays have been spent moving from house to house visiting with family, sharing stories, opening presents and stuffing myself to the point of explosion. The day's and nights always managed to be hectic, yet always filled with love. Today I feel guilty because personally I have said many times that I do not even like the holidays... and most the time I'd still stand by my word. But its out of selfishness. I love being with my family. I love having that one reason for everyone to get together and for everyone to laugh and tell silly stories from our childhood. I love having the ability to look back on pictures from a few years ago and laugh at how "gross" my hair was done!

I am not the type of person that makes decisions light heartedly. I want to make sure I get to see everyone and do everything and insure that every single person might be happy. Now this isn't ideal and I know this. I am never going to be able to please everyone, but I still make an effort in trying. This year not only do I have my dad's side of the family as well as my mom's side of the family, I now have Nate's family to contend with. At first, without hesitation I was going to spend Turk...Thanksgiving Day with Nate's family. I am eager to just spend time with them, with no expectations and just be a family. But as time continued forward, I wanted to be with my family too. There is no way in this world that I will ever satisfy my mom, my dad and Nate's family so I would have to make a decision. This decision would drag and drag and drag. It weighed me down like a ton of bricks. My family seems to be late planners and no one knew what was going on. I knew the time between Nate and I seeing eachother would be about at its maximum and mom randomly said it was "okay" that I go visit Nate. It was a relief off of my shoulders as I had the okay to do something... Of course as soon as Nate got word of this, he was quick to let everyone know and I now have a flight that leaves Wednesday after work! I am extremely excited to see Nate and go back to Lewiston. I am happy to see his family and hopefully just see this life that Nate always tells me about. I can't wait to see the little ones and rumor even has it that I just might be meeting new people! Hooray! (minus the nerves that follow)

As for my family, I am still unsure as to what their plan is and it bums me out to think that I wont be at home to celebrate and just be my own family. I try to just push those thoughts to the back and remind myself that life changes. We all grow up. And there is always next year!

Sooooo... what are you thankful for?!

I am thankful for...

Maxwell and Belle
Nathan
My mom
My dad and Julie
My little brother
My neices and nephew
My older sister
My older brother and Lindsay
Mr and Mrs B.
David and Chelle along with Jack and Annabelle
Koltyn
My Co-Workers
Danielle
Brittany
Allie and sweet Roen
My lovely rainboots
My Jeep
Morning Coffee
Fountain Soda Pops
The many moments of laughter endured
The many people that have held my hand through the thick and through the thin
The many memories that have been made
The roof over my head... even on the challenging days
All of my family that is all over the place...
All of my friends that I don't manage to keep up with...
And just my life in general.
PS There is so so so much more... but its nap time, that I am greatly thankful for as well!

Thank you!!
All my love,
Meg

The Challenge of One Day-

2009-11-10T22:40:00.000-07:00

I recently was given an absolutely amazing opportunity to attend a Catholic Retreat that would help me come to terms and cope with a decision I had made in 2008. Walking into this Retreat was a new adventure, something I had never done and something I tried to get out of up until the very last minute. Luckily my prayer partner met me in the parking lot before I could drive away! Nate held my hand the whole time as a quick reminder that he was still there and wouldn't go away. Whenver the going got rough, he would squeeze my hand as a sign to remind me that he loves me.
When the journey first began, I was on pins and needles. I was so anxious and looking for any reason to go home, or just to even go to my room ad sleep. There was no escaping this journey though... You walk in as strangers and even as you crawl into bed Friday your nerves are still spinning and yo dont have much other then an introduction to know the people that surround you!
I dont know how many times I would say, "Alright, I've reached my all time low. There are no more tears. It is all up hill from here." To enter the next activity and thinking I once again had reached the ultimate low. I met my roommate Misty and we spent hours upon hours talking, giggling and just being girls. As our weekend proceded there were many people that I became good friends with but a few that are now my family.
When it came time to proceed to walk out the doors and say our good byes I cried. I didn't want to leave. I was in a safe haven of love and acceptance. I could openly talk about the dark side of my life. I came home and reached the point where I would swear that I wasn't going to cry anymore. There were no tears left within me. My eyes were swollen shut from so many tears. However, yet again Nate and I said our goodbye and I cried and cried and cried. I spent the rest of my evening in bed, silence, alone staring at a red rose hanging above my bed, dancing with the movement of the air that is around me.
Monday morning was quick to come... I didn't manage to make it out of bed for more then my lovely soda. I slept most of the day away and when I wasn't asleep I was just in a fog. I found the courage to roll out of bed this morning after an hour of convincing myself to get to work and see that the world was so distant. I was here and they were there. The phone ringing sounded as if it were on the other side of the building. Anyone talking to me sounde so far away and my mind was just in a blur caught up with all that happened in my weekend away. Sure enough, I left my job and climbed back into bed to sleep the day away.
Tonight, even though it is well past my bed time, I have high hopes that tomorrow will be better! I will make sure of it. And with that said, good night!

All my love,
Meg

We Are Gonna Be Friends-

2009-11-10T21:45:00.001-07:00

** I Found This Jack Johnson Song and Felt It Was The Perfect Way To Describe How I Felt With Misty Last Weekend.... Sooo Dang Silly. Koltyn and Christopher Chase the Bugs Together.

We Are Going To Be Friends
-Jack Johnson
Fall is here, hear the yell
Back to school, ring the bell
Brand new shoes, walking blues
Climb the fence, books and pens
I can tell that we are gonna be friends
Yes I can tell that we are gonna be friends

Walk with me Suzy Lee
Through the park and by the tree
We can rest upon the ground
And look at all the bugs we've found
Safely walk to school without a sound
We safely walk to school without a sound

Here we are no one else
We walk to school all by ourselves
There's dirt on our uniforms
From chasing all the ants and worms
We clean up and now it's time to learn
We clean up and now it's time to learn

Numbers letters learn to spell
Nouns and books and show and tell
Play time we will throw the ball
Then Back to class through the hall
Teacher marks our height against the wall
The teacher marks our height against the wall
And we don't notice any time pass
Cause We don't notice anything
We sit side by side in every class
The teacher thinks that I sound funny
But she likes it when you sing

Tonight I'll dream in my bed
while silly thoughts run through my head
of the bugs and alphabet
And when I wake tomorrow I'll bet
You and I will walk together again
Cause I can tell that we are gonna be friends
Yes I can tell that we are gonna be friends

A Case of the Mondays-

2009-11-02T20:46:00.003-07:00

As I drove home from Twin Falls on Friday afternoon, the realization set in that it was my weekend. I turned the music up loud, made people look at my funny while I danced my heart out behind the steering wheel of my pretty little red jeep! :) I made my way to the craft store, like I manage at least once every week and invested more time and money in beads. I carried my way to the checkstand and decided to reorganize my beads by size, color, material and such... of course the realization of that OCD set in and Nate got a picture to show how bad it really was! Luckily he just finds it to be humurous... I spent the night in utter silence. Man, was it beautiful! I ran be a tub full of hott water, lit some candles and indulged on some silence. Of course the realization that my homework wasn't done, it was a good friends birthday, the dogs were going crazy and I'm sure more shoes were left out and Max will be quick to jump all over those!

Saturday morning came quickly... it was my favorite holiday, yet out of respect for Nathan I was choosing to not celebrate! I bought Maxwell his cute little bumblebee outfit and allowed him to go to Grandma's for some puppie treats! And mom and I enjoyed a quite day of movies, sleep and quiet!

Sunday ended all to quickly. Mom and I ran some errands and picked up some items, we as girls insist that we need! The day was finished by some 'resting' (as Nate calls it) and too much homework! Strangely, I dont mind this class! It is actually interesting, maybe because I relate to it on a personal level... However, as usual, the weekend comes to a close and I am greeted by that alarm going off this morning. A sure sign that I must get out of bed and carry onto that job that thrills me so much!

The job has been a challenge lately. Whether it be that I am bored, that there is just too much to do, or maybe its that my personal life has so much going on and I finally just want to take time to conquer it. Regardless, I must get out of bed, straighten that hair, put on my slacks matched with some heels, stop by the gas station to visit Mary and get my soda for the day and carry onto this lovely job!

There wasn't anything super terrible about today... Jess and I lack our motivation as we don't really seem to have anyhting to work for, nothing to reward ourselves with as we have decided to boycott the internet completely to prevent termination of our position! It makes for a very long day... plus it was monday. Plus there was a time change. And still, as usual, I have too much going on around me. Clients seemed grumpy, the office lay quiet as it does most Mondays, and the day moved slow.

The day has come to a close... I am one day closer to seeing Nate. I am one day closer to our weekend retreat. (I kind of feel like I'm going on a mini-vacation, but I feel that feeling might quickly end on Friday night) Anyway, cheers to a better week! I hope everyone is doing well...

All my love,
Meg

Nerves Began...

2009-10-28T08:38:00.002-07:00

As I sit at work this morning I finally get the courage to call my Nana Bobbie to ask about the funeral of which to attend, apparently on Friday. Luckily, I had read the obituary and learned the major details that would consume my day. However, I then am left wondering... am I driving to Twin Falls to attend mass and then carry on back to Boise? Am I driving to Twin, to spend time with the family, I never see? Awe yes... who knows what the day will consist of.

I have taken the entire day off as my family remains to be my utmost concern even with the disfunctional communication we share. Any given time that is granted, I would gladly spend over a cup of coffee, a margarita or some good food with my loved ones. It has been so long since I have seen my family or really even talked to them. I talk to my brother and sister on occasion, but other then that I haven't seen or talked to anyone else in almost two months. Strangely my nerves have began. I anxiously have the rest of my week planned out... day by day, minute by minute.

I feel like I am meeting Nate's family for the first time all over again. I need my retail therapy to get me through! If potentially I feel good, clean and well put together I will have the confidence to show the man that is my uncle, make him proud, make him see who I am. (I haven't seen or talked to him in over six years.) I need to work. I need to shop. I need to prune the brows. I need to curl my hair. I need to paint my nails. I need to maintain school.... Oh my goodness!

I feel like I am stepping into the unknown... I have no idea what Friday will consist of, beyond an extremely early morning, probably following a late night of cramming to get things done. I would assume there will be a long day that follows, along with a drive. Nothing like my drive to Lewiston though, Hooray!

((As I am sitting here writing this post, I can hear my late night conversation with Nate... "Man, she's taking this one well. She didn't even tell me she was having dinner with her family. She is so calm... wow!" Just to find out I was meeting my mom's family for dinner, as I tend to see them on a daily basis! I am now writing a blog entry about my stresses of spending a day with my dad's family... I'm such a nerd. Nate wins again!))

So, wish me luck! This will be an unpredictable adventure that I will make with no one on my side! I look forward to seeing my family and wish everyone was going to be present, but I understand! In the meantime, I'll figure out my plan to get my hair curled, (now with some icky bangs) get my finger nails painted (but not chipped) and find something in my closet that might be cute to wear! Oh the joy of being a girl!

As for the funeral, it would be for my Great Grandma, sweet little ole Nana Clara. Gosh I adored this woman. She, along with her identical twin sister, have made for some great stories, followed by endless, gut-renching laughter, undoubtedly resulting in tears! She was this sweet little thing, and I always loved seeing her as she was the one person that was shorter then me! Gosh did I love it! She was loud! She had that accent from the East Coast! She was soooo stubborn! Well she was quite fabulous! She will be greatly, greatly, greatly missed but forever talked about!
All my love,
Meg

Consider it Done-

2009-10-26T16:47:00.001-07:00

Today marks the day that I finished my 11th class at UOP. I am more then half way to obtaining my degree to become an elementary teacher. My last class was nothing but torture. It doesn't help that I am not a history buff of any sort, but the team I was assigned to work with was my worst experience I've yet to endure. Needless to say I am glad that the class is finished. My last week was spent boycotting the course. As time continued forward, I argued my points, I shared my opinions, and opened my heart to let them know that we as a team SUCK! :) The team continued forward with something that wasn't even our assignment and something I refused to discuss, especially in my history course. I wasn't going to say anything to my professor Scott, but as time continued forward my loud mouth got the best of me and sure enough I sent the man an email letting him know that his assignment was absurd and I was not attending the rest of the course. I knew regardless of if I got credit for the last week, I would in no way fail the class. My grade, of course, would be nothing to brag about, but it would be sufficient.

As the week continued, I have a horrible habit of checking into my class forums. I'd read everything and not say one word. It reached the due date of the assignment, not one person had called or emailed, the professor never responded to my email. I was frustrated. The team did the assignment without me and I was glad. Nate continued to get frustrated along with Brittany that I would continue to check in and do my studying... it is more out of habit and I really want to raise my GPA to get into a good master's program. Anyway, the class is over and it's onto something new... I'm just not sure what, but I am sure that it will greet me tomorrow morning bright and early.

Onto the next great thing....
All my love,
Meg

Day By Day...

2009-10-25T22:03:00.000-07:00

Hey-

So I realized that it has been a while and as usual so many things have happened in a week of my world. Nate came for a quick visit... You wait so long for something so great and its gone in a matter of moments. Our weekends always end too quickly and the time between seems to drag forever. While my wonderful man was here, we endulged on a weekend of football. It was my brothers last game and I was so excited for Nate to be apart of this. Nate got to meet my grandparents as well as my great grandma, he had the chance to see the people that were once my family and even learn more about my past. Boy Oh Boy!! Nate and I then quickly scurried back to the house to change clothes and carry onto bowling with my office!

I spend a lot of time at work... I spend more time with my co-workers then anyone else around me. I constantly talk to Nate about my co-workers and he never understands how we as an office can be so open and close. I was excited for Nate to see more about the life I live and even more excited for people from my life to meet the man I adore. Nate and I, well uhm Nate, won one dollar for getting a strike. I was pretty excited! I won two dollard for being the most enthusiastic bowler... gosh, how embarrassing now that I look back. My first score was a great sixty eight pins! Although I was going for thirty eight and quite thrilled that I beat that score, I still managed to come at the bottom of the polls. All is well, I kicked butt on the second game and am now officially thinking of going pro!

Nate and carried on to the pet store as I was super tired and wanted to get Maxwell a cute little outfit for Halloween. Strangely, I was shocked when Nate said it was okay. I was sure he was going to say "No." Anyway, a couple outfits later and some pill pockets in the bag we carried onto dinner. He wanted to watch the sunset, so we sat outside. I must have missed the part about watching the sunset, as I chose the one table that couldn't see that sun fade away. Woops! The night quickly came to an end... we spend much of our time laughing and talking. As usual, our weekends spent together we grow closer and closer. This, in return, makes our good byes that much more of a challenge. Sunday rolled around and I didn't even get out of bed to walk him to his car. (He as well had a say in this...) The afternoon was then spent sleeping, crying, cleaning and of course shopping.

Sunday night is my quiet night... I'll sit around and bead some necklaces, watch TV, play with the pups or just hang out. It was nice, but Nathan was greatly missed... and still is.

All my love,

Meg

If You Had Any Doubt...

2009-10-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

I have a crazy busy weekend! But Nate is on his way down to visit! I am so so so excited as it has been a few weeks since I've seen the man! Tonight our journey will begin with Jarod and football practice. Followed by, I dont know what as there is so much to do. Tomorrow we have some shopping to do as well as a football game, bowling with my co-workers, and dinner with a good friend... ha ha, Britt! Sunday, will be our final day together, again I dont know for how long. Who knows what will get accomplished this day, and then once he leaves I'll meet Britt at the park for a coffee and a stroll through the beautiful fall colors! And somewhere along the line, I need to write that paper I continued to put off all week! Hooray!

All my love,
Meg

Simplicity of Life...

2009-10-15T14:57:00.001-07:00

Tonight I lay in bed waiting for the sleepiness to wear in and allow me that chance to go off into lala land to only dream of who knows what!?! Fall has definitely settled in, the rain, the wind, and the heavy gray clouds manage to greet me each morning. This requires me to adapt and accept the idea that I can no longer wear sandles and tank tops. The sun is no longer going to be a constant blinding beam of light. Tonight I listen to the wind howling outside my windows. The tree branches blowing, and I will assume falling. The rain continuously falls, making a beautiful, relaxing sound on the window. While sitting at work today, I dreaded the rain. It makes it hard to be at work and even harder to answer that phone with a smile! However, laying here at bed hearing nothing but the sound of each tiny raindrop hitting my window, for some reason brings a sense of calmness, it makes me appreciate the simple things in my life that I often times manage to always overlook.

The last couples weeks have remained quite stressful. I hit the end of theday and I want nothing more then to sleep, yet it remains that with the stress I allow to surround me, the thoughts follow and I consistently wake up at least once every thirty minutes each night. This definitely cuts into my sleep, but will come to an end hopefully soon! In an effort to appreciate the cooler weather and amazing, brilliant colors that this season brings, I am trying to get out more, enjoy something that follows this season. Last week it was the Haunted World, who knows what else may come. I love the smell of pumpkin, I love endulging in a super hott bath while listenting to some simple, quiet, and relaxing music... of course followed by a hott shower, because I'm weird like that!

This weekend Brittany and I will go for a walk after Nate's departure... She doesn't know why I picked this park and although it is irrelevant to this weekend, I go in celebration of my aunt. My aunt passed away when I was younger, but I remember going to the park with her all of the time during this season. We would bundle up in my hott pink jacket with a little beanie on. Lately, weighing heavily on my mind is this picture of her and I... its nothing more then our shadows in the water, but I crave this picture. I want this picture. I need this picture... Only, I have no idea where it is. Strangely Brittany agreed to go with me, and perhaps I'll create some new memories! I can't wait...

Until next time...
All my love,
Meg

Just Something Festive...

2009-10-12T17:55:00.003-07:00

It might just be close to the middle of October and the wishful thinking and dreaming of having my own place has began when the realization of Halloween on a Saturday night set in! I took a journey to the pet store to find some outfits that made me giggle like a little girl! I had this crazy yet brilliant idea that I really wanted to dress Maxwell up... but what would I dress him up as? A bumble bee? A pig? Mickey? Decisions... Decisions! They've yet to be made! Nate thinks I am crazy for this, and I highly doubt I'll get the okay to proceed! Wishful thinking!

I carried onto the craft store next door to find a glass cube that I have always been intrigued by, yet never felt quite creative enough to conquer a monthly decoration! Finally, I bit the bullet! I decided I would do it, regardless of what the future brought! So sitting on my desk at work is a glass cube filled with black sand, a tombstone and a few skeleton heads! It's quite fabulous if I do say so myself... now is this work appropriate?! :) We just don't mention much of anything!

This last weekend I was in dire need of a break. I feel I might always be in need of a break but last week brought so much stress to the table I was one very grumpy lady. I've had enough! I didn't want to work, go to school, sign on the computer, talk on the phone or do anything that responsible people must do! Luckily, I have a good girlfriend that's been a friend for years and she felt the same at weeks end. Brittany and I set up this great plan to go to the pumpkin patch, followed by the corn maze. We would then endulge on some sweet, fantastic food from TGIFridays and then proceed to share a couple drinks and attend the Haunted World. How much more festive could we get?!

Of course once Saturday rolled around the responsibilities had not been finished. There were still things to do and the time just continued to get pushed back. Finally we decided to just start with dinner! However as the planning continued, we decided in order to entertain the thought of actually going to the Haunted World, we would need something warm in our hands, along with perhaps a little liquor to keep our bodies warm! So instead of dinner being the first stop, we met at a liquor store between our houses, then carried on to dinner and shared a few drinks! This would be where I introduced Brittany to an AMF! Oh gosh... it was so yummy! Probably one of the best I have ever had! ((Of course every time I see or think of an AMF, I just picture my brother going home to his wife with bright blue shoes that once were white!))

Once we finished dinner, we were still a little too early to enter the Haunted World so we went to the mall so I could buy new make up! (Yes Nate, I know... I didn't tell you!) And then we made the drive to Caldwell to meet up with sweet little Steph and brew some coffee along with boiling hott water for some apple cider! After the realization that we didn't want to venture too early to the Haunted World, we decided to have a couple of drinks and eventually change into something a bit warmer! The time came, it was 9:00 now and we would huddle in the car, crank the heat and enjoy some apple cider on our drive. The nerves set in, what was going to greet us as we pulled in the parking lot? To my surprise, nothing sat in the parking lot other then numerous nervous, shivering people! Many groups huddled together, some were gathered to keep warm and others simply met up to make simple agreements to stick together!

Brittany, Steph and I walked through the opening and were greeted by a whole haunted, festive scene. It was orange, hay bales, a grim reeper, clowns, lights, music, movies, screams, chilling sounds... it was just eary as if you'd entered a whole new world! Although I am the one with the brilliant idea to try and do this, I was also the first to chicken out. I didn't like the man behind the mask that I couldn't see. I didn't like the openness and not knowing what was around me and when something might just pop out! Oh the nerves... I was so anxious that I felt nausious! Brittany and Steph grabbed my hand, I was the middle man! This would be done, we would show those boys!! We paid our money and slowly walked to our waiting area. Here they showed clips of scary movies along with the grim reeper and some other ugly monster that was walking around. You could stand along the fence and hear people scream. You could hear the chainsaws going off, doors slamming shut and feet quickly shuffling along the ground! My Oh My! I did NOT want to do this anymore, it didn't sound like fun, I don't care how festive it would be! Buttttt we'd spent the money and quite a bit of time in our line to get to where we were so we would continue forward! ((I'm sure I could always sneak out and ask the security man how to skip all the 'fun'))

Here we were! Entering the door to the haunted house, this is where our journey would first begin. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! To break the nerves some fantastic music came on, and we all broke out into a dance! Sure enough the clown, the grim reeper and that one really ugly monster broke into a dance off in the cemetary that was placed in front of the haunted house! It was awesome! Just what I needed before I entered the 'Haunted World.' First stop, a clown and one little old dead woman greeted us in a room where the saw movie played telling us the rules of the 'game.' Oh Steph was sure to point out, "Hey guys, its us!!" with a quick little wave and smile to follow! Gosh that crazy girl!

Time to go... lucikly we fell between a couple different couples. Brittany, Steph and I held hands for dear life! If one would scream, we'd all scream! If one would jump, we'd all jump! If one was running, oh gosh... we were all running! We just kept telling ourselves, this isn't real! If we believe it's not real and they dont see the fear in us they'll leave us alone! Ha. Ha. If only that would have been possible! It's the element of surprise! The unknown! Luckily, being stuck in the middle, you'd have people in front of you that would get scared so we'd all prepare one another as much as possible when we knew people were around! "Now, there is someone around this corner... be careful!" "There is someone in the corn over here, crouched down." "There is a lady behind the door!" Gosh, as much as I feared this thing, it was actually quite fun! It was an amazing adrenaline rush!

More then anything... it was a much needed night out! A night to just have fun, not worry about school or work or something going on at home. It wasn't a night that I had to worry about Nate or where my relationship was headed! I could forget about my family and just laugh, scream, run, skip, jump! I could do whatever I wanted!

For that reason, I love my girls! And I had one fantastic time on Saturday!

All my love,

Meg

Stop and Enjoy The Sweet Smell of Roses...

2009-10-09T11:57:00.001-07:00

Oh this crazy life we live.... I have always heard of that sweet Spring Cleaning, however I have never endulged upon this event. I have this issue with clutter so I constantly go through, uhm, everything and throw most everything away. However, the season of Fall is upon us, and its the time of year that I burrow under a pile of blankets, listen to some Jack Johnson or the sound of the ocean and relax. But this isn't quite so possible until I do, what I call, my Fall Cleaning!

Last night, ontop of everything else in my life that I am trying to conquer I got this crazy twitch to rearrange and clean my room. My brother was so excited to help me all because he "wasn't little anymore." So the boy took charge and got things movin' in an effort to complete this before mom got home. We always have high hopes, but with seven minutes remaining Jarod looks at me and says 'Meg, you're on your own. You just aren't going to finish in time.' I told him to quit being a negative nancy, it would get done! Sure enough the sweet, innocent laugh of this fantastic little boy took posession of all other sound within the confined walls of our house. 'Mom is home! Told you, you wouldn't get done in time!' Dang, so close!

As the night continued forward, I reached this monsterous pile of clothes ontop of my bed. I try and convince my family and Nate that I just don't have anything to wear, but it seems as though they just dont believe me since not all of my clothes cant fit in my dresser and the closet. Woops! So there I sit, with this huge pile of clothes, I'm sure it goes all the way to the ceiling and I just dont know where to begin. Not only do I have clothes to put away, Jarod want's attention. I still need to vaccuum. I have homework that is due tonight, and once again I havent started! There are a bazillion thoughts that have taken over my mind and I had finally just had enough. I wasn't going to vaccuum. Mom would just have to survive. I couldn't satisfy Nate's texting desires as I just had too much to do and was so tired of the phone. I would shower before bed, and deal with that crazy bed head in the morning! And as for the clothes, well they just got scooted back to the floor in a gigantuous pile!

Although, turning on the lights I was greeted by a pile of clothes, text messages that hadn't been replied too, the vaccuum in the middle of the hallway and some crazy uncontrolable hair, today was a new day! It was a sun-shiny day. I was getting my hair done, I had a plan and this plan was just going to work! Now for the time to go by a little quicker........

All my love,
Meg

The Bite of My Tongue...

2009-10-03T15:49:00.003-07:00

I woke up on this bitter, cold, fall October morning greeted by gray clouds, wind and rain. It was yet another day that I would spend standing on the sidelines cheering my brother on until the finish line. I, myself, never really got into sports. I played a few, but lack the competitive desire to push forward. Although I was dreading the thought of standing out in the cold, the wind, the rain to watch another football game, I knew it was what needed to be done! I very rarely miss one of the boy's games and it would be uncanny of me not to attend. I loaded on the layers of clothes and away we went.

The game started rough... not only were we a good fourt-five minutes late to our start, the opposing team's head coach along with the ref got in an argument over which field we would be playing on. Are you kidding me? Its freezing outside, the game is late, its starting to rain and the wind is picking up. The fields are the same length, the refs are going to be the same and we'll be sure to use the same markers, timers, and score keeper. Apparently this was a big issue that I would just not quite understand. I would remain silent, with the wheels spinning in my head at how absurd people in this world really might be. Our team willingly walked over to the other field and the game began....

Wow! This was going to be a tough game! Now, I don't plan pretending like I know what I am talking about. I would probably just make myself look foolish. However, the other team was actually pretty decent. My brother has yet to lose a game, (and I dread that day, if and when it comes) but the opposing team has only lost one themselves. It seemed as though the ball wasn't moving between the two teams. They were great at blocking! Nevertheless, we managed to score!

But as the game continued, I didn't find myself paying attention to the game as much. As usual I have to take in all of my surroundings. I am watching my grandparents and two little cousins as they sit in the car practicing chinese fire drills at the end of the field. I am intrigued by the man I once called my step brother. Gosh, I haven't seen him in years! My how time changes us all.... The one thing that caught me off guard however, was this father. Ugh, he made me mad! His son sat on the sidelines helping his injured teammate out, and this mad was so irrate! He yelled and yelled and yelled at his son, "Get up!" "Get in the game!" Eventually, he gave up and ran across the field during a time out and yelled at his son in front of everyone.

Now, for those that knew me growing up, I wouldn't have said anything. I would have felt sorry for the kid, I would have let the thoughts fester and upset me. I would have taken it home and just said "that is life." But... well, as Nate has been sure to learn over time, I dont have much of a filter anymore. I dont know when to keep my mouth shut, nor do I really want too. Don't worry too much, I ended up walking away as a couple of the 'Football Mom's' saw me walking over there and quickly put an end to that stride. This would be when the realization of things Nate tells me set in...'You can't fix the world.' 'You can't do it all yourself.' 'That's his kid.' Okay, okay, okay... I get it! It's his kid, but no kid in their right mind deserves to be yelled at or beaten down because of a G.A.M.E. No wonder this kid can't stand playing football. No wonder he doesn't want to be here. So my silence remained with the thought remaining if someone would just tell this man that he is a fool, that he is embarrassing him, his family, his son, and our team as a whole. That one thought, that one sliver of hope remains... 'I just might be able to help this poor little kid.'

As the game continued, the wind picked up, people became cranky. The kids managed to stay in the game and keep it going. Jarod ended up hurt after a fantastic tackle! Sadly, that ended his day of football but he is good to go! Yet then with a minute and a half remaining the coach freaks out. We have posession of the ball, we are winning and the game is basically over. The other team didn't have a chance at scoring or winning the game but sure enough the coach lost it. He's always been one heated man. This isn't just a game anymore. One of our kids was running the ball and he ran out of bounds. "Isaac, What did you NOT understand about staying in bounds?" It was dead silent, every single parent, player, coach, ref and kid heard that. Why would you do that? Does it make you feel better about yourself to yell at a nine year old kid who is in his first year of true football? I just dont get it... it bothers me. And once again I have that thought 'I might just be able to fix this.' Nonetheless, I walked straight to the car and remained silent... but I can honestly tell you that this is a rare find. I don't keep quiet. And if that was my son on the team you can bet with everything you have that I would have words with that man every day. I understand it is a game, I understand the competitiveness and I understand discipline... I dont understand the benefit of degrading someone in hopes that a hit to the ego might improve one's game.

Anyway, the game is over. We won! There are two games left, one of which I will be working for and the other is followed with Nate by my side. I have no doubt that he will keep me in line.

All my love,

Meg

Forgiving Comes Easy....?

2009-09-30T19:02:00.001-07:00

I made a decision a while back. This was the utmost hardest, most challenging decision I have undoubtedly ever faced. It was question of wrong vs. right. It was question of what was best, not just for me but for all that surrounded me. It was a question of where my future was headed... or wasn't. It was a question that challenged my beliefs and made me think of something more. I cried myself to sleep. I cried on my way to work. I cried at lunch or on my way home. I'd sit at my desk and cry while I was typing. It was pulling at me, breaking my mind as well as my heart apart. I couldn't sleep at night. I refused to talk about all the different thoughts that raced through my mind. I felt guilty about these thoughts and the challenges that were placed in front of me. So guilty that I refused to talk to anyone and couldn't quite manage to look anyone in the eye. I shuffled my feet, with my head hanging low... I didn't know what was going to happen.

I made my decision... I continued forward after many challenges and even more thought and contemplation. I had absolutely no idea where I was headed and what I had just done. Because this was a decision that I needed to make on my own and no one else was responsible for my choices, I left the majority of the people out of this decision, and sadly to this day, they still don't know. With the lack of me sharing my life story, even my family remains unknown to why I struggle with happiness, why I struggle with depression, why I struggle with life in general. There are days I wish I could just shout it out to the world, but it seems that my family is so unpredictable... it scares me.

So as of today... I cope with my life and my decisions in my own way. Honestly, typically filling the space with other stresses or other thoughts. I have yet to face my decision once made. I have yet to conquer my fears and doubts. Today I am working on my forgiveness... I never thought one could hold a grudge against themselves for so long, but each day it remains.

Forgiveness is defined as the act of forgiving, pardon and the disposition or willingness to forgive. Perhaps that is where my problem remains... I haven't been willing to forgive myself. I don't feel worthy of forgiveness. One day it will come and although patience remains a strong weakness of mine... I'm learning.

All my love,
Meg

Poor Wilson!

2009-09-29T10:07:00.003-07:00

While sitting at my desk I noticed Wilson acting a bit odd. He didn't come to the top for his morning greetings. He didn't graciously await for his food to be handed to him. Jess as well noticed that he was acting different. After a short discussion, we had remembered that we ourselves had been cold the last few days so perhaps Wilson himself was cold! Jess and I decided it best to put Wilson in the sun so he could warm up!

About an hour later I noticed Wilson acting like his normal self. He was swimming in circles, following anyone that walked by as well as swimming amongst the leaves of his plant. I gave him some new food and he gobbled it up! I figured I would leave him in the sun as I know I am quite miserable when I am cold. Dan noticed that Wilson no longer sat at the corner of my desk, but as now located in the sunshine. He asked if Wilson would be okay in the sun and I said "Sure! He was too cold and acting funny with the weather change." Dan shook his head and walked away laughing.

The next day came and again I gave him his food. I didn't notice much and it didn't even cross my mind to check the temperature of the water! At the end of my day, it was time for Wilson to get a fresh, clean home. I carried his own water, food and water conditioner to the back to clean! I picked up Wilson's bowl and noticed that the bubbles on the top looked funny, but again didn't give it much thought! The temperature of the bowl felt quite warm and I felt quite jealous that he could be in something so warm, when I remained freezing even with my space heater blowing!

When reaching the back I gathered my bowl to catch Wilson in and he wasn't at the top like normal. "Oh man, Wilson is just getting too smart for his own good, now how will I get him?!" After giving Wilson some time to swim to the top, I noticed it remained toward the bottom between the leaves of his plants. "Wilson, wake up!" I decided to pull the plant up and shake it thinking for sure he would frantically run away and swim to the top so I could finally scoop him up. He didn't move... I continued to shake the plant until I realized Wilson just wasn't going to move anymore! Wilson has been cooked... the temperature was just too much for him.

Poor, Sweet, Wilson.... I called my co-workers and had a very personal memorial service! There were very few words shared, and he wasn't all that popular as I was the only one that attended the service. Don't worry, I shared enough words and laughter for all of us! He then took his journey, getting flushed and ending up somewhere I would never think of!

RIP Wilson... You are greatly missed!

All my love,

Meg

My Heart's Content

2009-09-28T20:13:00.000-07:00

After nearly a month away from Nate for one reason or another, I found myself struggling to hold on. Whether it be because we bicker over the dumbest things, I get annoyed at the lack of time for communication and sometimes I think it is just my own jealousy that I can't be with him. I was packing up for a weekend away, meeting new family and new friends. Going back to Lewiston, I was dragging my feet and lacked the excitement that I once carried. I was worried that those feelings I once had when seeing this man would be gone, he wouldn't make me laugh or make my worries disappear. I struggled at the thought that things might just potentially be awkward, and then what would I do? It also my first opportunity granted to spend some time with Nate's family.

I had heard so much about his family, whether it be his biggest fan, sweet little blue eyed, curly haired Annabelle! Or maybe it was his sister, 'the sweetest person in the world.' I was also meeting David, the nicest guy I could ever meet, along with fussy, yet adorable Jack. I had met Nate's parents before but lacked the time for conversation. I was extra nervous to spend some time with them as I've not met anyone like them. Nate adores his family and all I wanted was to be accepted and fit in. I entertained a hundred thoughts whild discussing them with Aundrea, but she was quick to shoot them down and convinced me it would be okay. After an hour of crying hysterically, I would leave her couch determined that I wasn't all that bad of a person regardless of what that demon in my mind tells me! I would hope with every inch of my body that they would look past my mistakes and give me the chance to be with their son, their brother, their uncle, their friend.

That very same night I got a call from a teary eyed man. He had hung up the phone with his momma who he loves so much. Although I never learned what was discussed in detail, it was the reassurance I needed. At some point in their conversation, his mom let him know that they loved me. The moment Nate hung up with her, he turned around and called me. Of course I cried, but it was that reassurance that I at least had a chance... a chance at being a part of this new journey, a chance at something I have never known. I would finish packing and make my journey to Lewiston with bells on.

Although my doubts had managed to creap back up by Friday afternoon, I was eager to see how my weekend would pan out. Would it be a weekend that I couldn't wait to get back to Maxwell and my own bed? Would it be a weekend that brought my relationship with my best friend to an end? Or would it be that weekend that would fill my heart with love, give me that hope I once had, that desire to be a better me?

Upon my arrival, I was greeted by Nate who quickly swept me away to visit his family. Annabelle greeted us at the door with her new purple bike! Connie and Steve greeted me with welcoming smiles and good conversation. Chelle eventually showed up with a sleepy Jack, she greeted me with a hug and was quick to tell me how happy she was that I was around and I could be apart of their weekend. After a little while, Nate and I dragged ourselves to bed and woke up first thing to get ready for brunch with his parents on Saturday morning. This was the first time that I would have the chance to talk to them and they greeted me with open arms. They were so incredibly welcoming, loving and sincere. We spent the day doing wedding stuff, but remained as a 'family' at eachother's side. I got one on one time with each member of Nate's family and quickly fell in love. It came time for Nate and I to say good bye and I cried... I didn't want to leave. I didn't want them to leave. I wanted to stay in that moment until the end of time.

My weekend was exactly the weekend I was in desperate need of. His family is my miracle, my love. I have so much love for new people that I just met and for that I am so greatful. I cannot wait until my next encounter with these wonderful people.

To Nates Family;

Thank you! Thank you for accepting me and allowing me to be apart of your family. Thank you for loving me and hugging me and just sitting and conversing! Thanks for all of the laughter and smiles, perhaps even those tears as they were tears of joy. I love you all and look forward to the future adventures to come.

All my love,

Meg

That Pretty Lil' Red Thing...

2009-09-25T07:59:00.000-07:00

Good Morning-

The next stop including the introduction to my world is my sweet lil' red thing! It has become quite apparent that most people in my life remain unknown to the fact that I got rid of my uhm... black, not so great Hyundai Elantra! After my graduation from Capital, I found myself wanting a new car. I had a 1999 Oldsmobile Alero and I had pretty much driven it to the ground. My father was blinded by the fact that his 'princess' of a daughter would do such a thing so he continued to ignore my request to go find something new. Finally, one sunny Saturday afternoon in June I caught him. He willingly admitted that he had nothing going so I convinced him to go look with me.... just look! Of course, being my father, he made me clean my car as if it was brand new! He got in the car too drive my little Alero to the dealership and realized I wasn't as crazy as he thought... my car really did have issues! We were now on a mission... a mission to find my sweet new ride!

By the end of the day, I was walking out of Bronco Motors, with a new set of keys in hand. I had bought a brand new 2006 Hyundai Elantra! I was pretty proud of myself. It was black and had a sunroof... my only requirements! Ha! Ha! They warned me about a black car... i wasn't going to like it! I thought I would prove them wrong... I would love it! Needless to say, i will never own a black car again! Leaving my Alero behind was rough as it had been my first car, however I was excited to start my new journey! I was entering college now and had a brand spankin' new car to follow! Of course there are many memories that came with this new car of mine, however taking a journey to Lewiston to visit Nate quite often made me want something a little bigger. Dad also remained on my loan for the Elantra and to refinance and remove his name would cost me more money!

After a lot of time thinking about what I wanted and where I would go, I would take a couple steps forward and freeze! This was a huge deal. I was doing this by myself, no one really knew! After finally reaching the courage to go to Larry Miller Honda, I had the worst experience ever! I dealt with a man who didn't give me the time of day. I was a joke to him, a waste of time. Sadly I was out to spend money, I was out to buy a new car, I was out to do something big on my own! Feeling a bit defeated and no longer wanting to shop for cars, I asked for my keys back and let him know I felt very disrespected. I would be taking my business elsewhere. (Nicely Put)

A little more time went on and I came across a listing for a couple different 2008 Jeep Liberties. Not a car I had considered, but something that I liked and definitely wanted to see! I emailed the dealership and told them I wasn't about to play there games. I had my own financing and would be by to check it out. I continued my conversation with the manager, set up my own financing and it was done! Now to sign the papers.... Nate had surprised me on a trip down to Boise to be with me while recovering from surgery. I, of course, was unable to drive so Nate nicely drove me to the dealership to sign the paperwork.

I once again left Bronco Motors with new keys in hand. I was dressed in my sweats, probably not quite all there but was so pleased to have my own car under my own name! I conquered something large by myself and I dont think I did half bad! Nate seems to have been impressed, but I have now been given the responsibility of taking care all bills or things that require confrontation. Joy!

As of August 29, I now own (perhaps the bank owns) a pretty little red Jeep Liberty... with a sunroof! I bought new license plates, registered it, switched the insurance and traded in that black hyundai elantra! Now for some new memories....

All my love,
Meg

What Holds You Together...

2009-09-23T21:02:00.000-07:00

While watching a cute little chick flick this last week, (I know... me and movies? odd) But there was a moment where a question was asked as to "What Holds You Together?" It definitely got me thinking... In this story, she was obsessed with work. She was there first thing and was always the last one to leave... She had always felt that this was what held her together. After time I got to thinking....

Yes I think I can quite relate to her feelings. I work during the day to come home to laundry, maxwell and school at night! Which is fine, I doubt I'd have it any other way...... or would I? I think because of how busy I am, it seems that I just go and go and go.......... I dont have a lot of down time. Is this a way for me to keep busy? Is this just how life goes? But I've finally realized after many tears of sadness and frustration that it is more just the reason I gave myself to avoid the true conflict in my life.

Something happened to me a little over a year ago... something that to this day my family still does not know. I started attending therapy about a year ago and have made some amazing discoveries, even if I am just sitting with her to destress and release so many thoughts! However I also have realized that the very next day following each major event, you found me back in the classroom or sitting behind my desk. I was at Jarod's games. Of course I might have been in a daze, but anything to keep me going and distracted from what had just happened or what was still to come. That something to keep me distracted would prevent me from every having to face those feelings... the ones with anger, sadness, regret... the realization that a part of me is forever gone and the fear that the nightmares and instant replays just might not come to an end....

But I have hope.... I just am afraid of becoming the weakling and going through what I still must conquer. Wish me the best please. Keep me in your prayers. One day, I will walk with my head held high again...

All my love,
Meg

I Carry Your Heart

2009-09-23T05:30:00.000-07:00

I Carry Your Heart
-EE cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Just That Stress

2009-09-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

Lately I have had so much on my mind... I don't know that any one thing is weighing me down more then my family, yet I continue to try and fix everything.... by myself. I struggle. I dont know how to let anyone else in. I wouldn't remotely know how to just openly talk or explain what might be going on.... Tonight I write for no reaon other then I need some thoughts released.

Work is going... I've been struggling the last few weeks. Is this because we have gone to a new underwriting and rating system? I am tired of the cranky clients? Is this because I no longer have a challenge and am finding myself bored? Or is it that my life outside of work seems to have taken a toll on me and remains my distraction.

School is school... I just finished a class yesterday and started my next class today. I could handle and actually enjoyed my humanities course. I am now in history and am slightly dreading it, but we will see how it goes! In the mean time I'm just going to keep plugging along wishing that my education would go faster and the student loans would go away.

Family... well, its family. I could pretend that the family life is just peachy like I normally do, but part of the reason for my blog was to be honest and openly discuss what is going on. I wont go into detail as I am sure it will just continue to break things apart more. It just... its taking its toll on me emotionally. And the worst part of it is, is it's me... it's my age. It's just that time in my life. And although I wish I could agree, I've never wanted my family in my life more.

And then there is Nate... I love this man. He makes me laugh. He is my best friend. He's the one I talk to about the good and the bad, my laughter and tears, the creaps at my office. But sometimes I struggle and the last few weeks have been a struggle. Now definitely nothing wrong with Nate, he continues to remain by my side and support me even when I wont let him in. Over the course of my life, especially last year, I learned to rely on no one but myself and I have no idea how to let the man in. I dont know how to let him help or how to even talk to him about what it is that's bothering me. Sometimes I dont know if its anything he already doesn't know... so why must I keep continuing to repeat my same stresses. And then.... blah, i dunno.

With the realization that life continues to change, I realize that I am headed in a complete different direction then the majority around me. I can only look forward. After my talk to Brittany and then a long needed conversation with a lost friend... Kelcie... I just realized its the end. I once again have reached that time. I am in desperate need of cutting those ties that bring nothing positive to my life. And know that with the next step in life, new people will come!

I'm rambling... Sorry!

All my love,

Meg

Fall is insight....

2009-09-20T15:30:00.000-07:00

Oh yes! It appears that the days are ending quickly, the weather is quite cool and the leaves have began their annual change... Although dreading the thought of the approach of the gray, cloudy, cold skies it is of course time for my favorite sport! Football!

Jarod, my little brother, has moved up in the world. He no longer is out there to pull the flags off his opponents waste's. Jarod is now dressed in full uniform and gear so he can 'safely' tackle his opponents. Now the thought scares me and the games are taken up a notch. The coachs are more intense. The parents are more intense. And the kids have to keep their little head in the game. The thought of my 'little' brother getting tackled makes me shudder, but he's a 'big boy' now and loves his game! They finished their game this weekend 12-6! His team remains undefeated. Over the years, I have found myself loudly screaming on the side lines, running up and down hoping for that touchdown. This year, I just hadn't gotten into the game... until Saturday! When the game first began, I kept my grandparents company and continued to not pay attention to the game. But, when reaching the sidelines I quickly caught myself yelling loudly, probably looking like a fool but having a good time! I can't wait for the next game! (of course, that I can attend)

Anyway.... between following Jarod's games, BSU and NFL Sunday's... Oh! And Nate's football life I suppose I shall just accept that it is who I am for the next couple of months!

All my love,

Meg

Just Us Girls...

2009-09-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have had the opportunity to enjoy a night off, a night away from my computer, a night that I didn't have to do laundry or entertain a Max. It has been a while since I had the opporunity to spend an evening care free and with some good company. So after a rough week in the office and some challenging family affairs I had the opportunity to meet up with one of my girlfriends. Now I would typically think, it's a Friday night and it's just us girls, let's do something crazy and fun. But, although we had fun it was at a place I wouldn't think typical for a Friday night. (And appeared quite apparent when walking in the door...)

Lately, I have had this intense craving for french toast. I woke up one morning while in Lewiston and asked Nate to go to breakfast. Of course I was starving and wanted one of everything, but Nate insisted that I get the french toast as that was the reason we were at breakfast. Sure enough, I did and it was fantastic but ever since then I just continued to have the desire to eat some french toast. After having a rough week and knowing that Britt and I still had homework to finish, we met for dinner! Typically we will meet at TGIFriday's, but this time we decided to embark on our old time fun. We used to stay up and cause our parent's headaches that would last all night long. Although her and I went on some really random adventures, one of my favorites is when her and I woke up at three in the morning just to go to IHOP for a midnight (or later) snack! So here we sat... 7pm on a Friday night, IHOP and all!

I without hesitation ordered the french toast... apparently my eyes were bigger then my belly! I couldn't eat half of my plate, but that's okay it sure was worth it! We like to meet for drinks and normally you'd find us at Montego Bay, however IHOP didn't find the humor in our desire for something 'hard.' I would have to say that the best part of the night, was just the opportunity to catch up with a good friend, that's been around for years! We've been through the good and the bad, the ups and the downs and it just doesn't seem to end for us. We spent a few years apart during high school, but after graduation we quickly caught back up and actually got together twice a week for our night class and dinner.... or coffee.

Overall, it was a good night... Good food! Good fountain sodas! Endless conversations and laughter! Just an enjoyable time that was much needed....

All my love,

Megan

The Journey Only Continues...

2009-09-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

Today most of my time is spent behind a desk. A desk that Wilson my fish, also known as our agencies mascot sits, and the desk that holds all of my hidden treasures, my sweet fix that continues to keep me going! My day's are spent on a computer, talking to people and answering the phone. I continue to work for an insurance company... somedays I love my job yet others just don't seem to end quick enough! My job title remains as a 'retention specialist'... I wish I knew more of what this meant and how it pertained to my job. However, I proudly wear it and hand my title out as often as I can!

I get the pleasure of walking into the office, greeted by a list of people that for one reason or another didn't pay their insurance bill. I've spent two years calling on this list and it seems to be the same individuals each months. You'd think I would know most of these people's phone numbers by heart! Honestly, when I was offered this job I accepted with hesitationg. I accepted keeping that thought in the back of my mind that I would continue to look for something different. Who wants to make that annoying phone call each morning reminding people that they didn't pay their insurance bill this month? It was insurance, and I had experiences. I was used to the billing just not quite AmFam's billing. It would be a journey...

Although I dont remember my first day, it was a cold, brisk, gray fall morning. The people that would now become my newest family, were friendly yet so different from where I just came from. This office environment was very professional and orderly, each person stuck to their business and got their work done. Coming from an office that got their work done, yet constantly talked and shared stories, sang songs and made trips to the gas station across the stress I felt as though I was in a culture shock!

Jess, the sweet voice of the agency was always so welcoming. I recognized her from my past. She was the one that greeted me each morning with a smile, followed by the question "how was your night?" And then there was Dan... at the time I started, he worked for another agent that shared our office. Oh my goodness, Dan drove me crazy! His laugh was loud, he spoke loud, he was obscene and always so direct! However, he has now grown on me. We have what is reffered to as a love-hate relationship. Coming from different backgrounds, it makes the environment quite interesting. And then there is Dwayne, my boss! He is quiet and friendly, yet has his little quirks! He manages to always joke around, yet sometimes you wonder if he's serious. Dwayne sits in his office, is typically on the phone dealing with that next great thing. Recently, we have hired a new man for the office. Paul is new to the insurance experience, but seems to do pretty well. This is what my days are consumed with... and that's the life of our office!

As time continued, I grew to like my job. I grew to love the people I worked with as well as who I worked for. They quickly became my newest family. I spent more time with them then anyone else that surrounded me. My office became my cheerleaders, my counselors, my closest friends. As my time has gone on, positions have changed, people have come and gone but it remains that we are very close. We know eachother quite well and like to have fun when we can. We seem to keep in close contact even when away from the office. The realization of this set in recently. I didn't realize until I took a couple days off to recover from surgery. Nate and I were watching TV when my phone rang. It was Dan and Jess calling to update me on the office! As the conversation continued, Nate realized it wasn't coming to a quick end, so he got up and walked away. As he headed out the door he mumbled under his breath "I definitely don't keep in touch with my co-workers like you..." I just laughed!

As for my job... there are days I love it and days I hate it. Most days, they go okay. It seems that no two days remain the same. You never know if the phone call currently ringing is that sweet, fun lady calling to ask a question or if its that unpleasant man upset about his bill again. It is finally apparent that you deal with the same people day in and day out. The past due people remain the same. I can tell you a lot of their life stories, where they work, when they went on vacation and what's going on with their kids! My favorite calls to make each day remain to actually be my past due calls. The excuses are priceless... Sometime's they'll admit that they forgot. Sometime's its that they want to argue about the amount due. Other times, they were just waiting for a call. Every now and then you get the interesting excuses, "I lost my wallet and haven't found it." The favorite past due calls I make is when my clients answer "Hey Megan, how much do I owe this month?" Well, just pay your bill please! My phone call is going to cost you a $10 late fee, and it really just isn't worth it!

For the most part I wont complain about my job... Of course I have my days! Poor Nate never hears the end of it! In the insurance office, you sure do get a lot of unpleasant phone calls! However, a lot of my clients are pleasant and I have developed some sort of relationship with. Because of those pleasant people whether it be Gus, that little ole Irish Man, the couple that pretends to be gay when their spouse isn't around or all of the little kids that come in for candy I enjoy my job and my day's spent within the confined walls of American Family.
All my love,
Meg

It Was Just the Beginning...

2009-09-17T18:50:00.000-07:00

To continue my story... I have a job. A job that doesn't change much yet manages to be a new journey every day. In about a month, it is safe to say I have been at American Family for two years, however I am close to working on my fourth year in the line of insurance... who would have guessed? Insurance? Definitely not something I grew up thinking would be a job I'd ever be doing but definitely not a job that I will ever complain about experiencing!

My journey began as a senior in highschool... I was getting ready to graduate and my neighbor asked me if I happened to be looking for a job. My gut instinct was "No, I have a job....uhm, but I suppose I could be looking. Why?" He said that he had a friend of a friend looking for a part time receptionist for her insurance office. Well, I was getting ready to graduate and I suppose I didn't want to be a hostess at a sports bar forever! Besides, I didn't have good hours and the regulars had started to take my kindness and joy of conversation as something more... I decided, I wouldn't know until I tried! So sure enough I set up the interview...

I finished my day at school.... it was a warm, sunny day in the early Spring. I raced to the car to try and beat the traffic. Ran to my grandma's house, changed my clothes, fixed my makeup and raced out the door again. When pulling up to the office, I sat in the parking lot staring down the front doors. Was this my new journey, my new road, my new life....? I walked in the front door, sat in the chairs and anxiously awaited my greeting. After a few minutes of trembling, sweating and shaking I was asked into little Shauna's office. Apparently, this office worked as a team and I was not only being interviewed by one person, I was being interviewed by the entire office. Man oh man, was I in for a treat! The nerves quickly wore off, my smiled shined through and I answered their questions to the best of my ability. However, I didn't know what insurance was, other then when I got my drivers license I had to meet the insurance agent and I got in trouble for not taking him seriously. As my interview came to a close I said my thank you, shook some hands and walked back out the front door. Sure enough within an hour, I was attending my brothers ball game and I got a call from Shauna. They would like me to start as soon as I got back from Mexico.

My trip to Mexico went well! It was my graduation gift from my Dad and Julie. I spent too much time in the sun, too much money shopping and just endulged on the life of vacation. As normal, it came to an end and it was back to the grind stone. I went to school eager to experience my first day at an insurance office. I wish I remembered what my first day consisted of... I remember sitting at my little desk at the front, learning the phone system and being bombarded with a bunch of informtion on the computer system. I had absolutely NO idea what I was getting into. Aye! Aye! Ayeee!

As time continued and I had the opportunity to spend more and more time in the office, I started to pick up on Maggies words and even started to understand her. The best feeling came from the ability to correctly answer questions without having to put someone on hold! I was finally given the opportunity, un-expectedly, to get licensed. Oh goodness! Lucikly it fell during the Summer, so I didn't have many other obligations. (other then watering grandmas flowers while she was in Maine) My days consisted of work, work, work... study, study, study... And needless to say, while at work Maggie was sure to quiz me as much as possible! The day came to take my tests and I made that long drive to the other side of town. I took four of my eight tests, property and casualty. Awe, so close! Missed it my one point! You have to wait so many days to try again so needless to say my life continued to be consumed with studying and insurance lingo. I tried again... I PASSED!

So much for my celebration.... it was straight to the studying for life and health. I was so tired of studying day in and day out. And now, to make matters worse, I was anxiously awaiting that first day of college. So I blew off the studying. As I expected my testing day had arrived and I yet to crack open the books... I slowly made that long journey across town again, greeted the lady with a small, wrinkled smile and asked her if she could say I took the test, I just didn't do too well, that way I could go home and study. (I'm sure of it!!) That sweet little lady convinced me to give it a shot, just to see how I did and then I'd know what to expect next time. I walked into the testing center, put my head phones on and looked around. I slowly started my tests. A...C...B...A... I finished the tests and walked out of the door. I asked her to print my results and I would be on my way. She started laughing and said she would be happy too except she needed to take my fingerprints as I passed all four tests of my tests! She gave me a great big hug and laughed at my crazy, large smile. Wow! Grinning ear to ear, I bought an ice-cream and waltzed into my office and celebrated my victory!

My days quickly carried on at the office. I was now able to do pretty much anything, providing I actually knew what I was talking about! I found myself spending hours upon hours at the office, typically working 10-12 hour days. I didn't mind. I loved my co-workers and enjoyed what I did. I would answer the phones, process applications, complete changes, take payments and order new supplies... I would hold appointments, pay the towbills as well as file... It was the good life, but as usual all good things typically come to an end. My job description continued to changed... To this day, I don't know if it was that I didn't want to live upto my new expectations, if I still felt too shy to ask necessary questions, or that I was too overwhelmed yet too afraid to put my foot down... So I carried onto the next great thing....... Another insurance company.

All my love,
Meg

Who's Prince Charming...?

2009-09-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

After a year and a half of endulging on myself and trying my hardest to learn who I am, take care of myself, and get my life on the straight and narrow I met a man, a man I would call my Prince Charming. Living my single life, I had numerous friends come and go, I went on plenty of dates and met some questionable people. I had times of fun and laughter followed by sadness and tears.

As the last few months have unravelled and I slowly made the journey each weekend to Lewiston, people started thinking... talking.... questioning. Undoubtedly, the phone calls slowly started trickling in. Who's your new friend? Are you going steady? What does he do? I sat down with dad and Julie on the couch one night, "So... is this uh... serious?" How do I answer that?

I can tell you that it is the beginning of a new road, something I didn't exactly see coming. And something that I wasn't quite prepared for. But yet I was also so eager to learn who this man truly was. I couldn't wait to spend time with him, as he makes me laugh like no other. I can't predict the future and I do not know what is coming... for now he and I will live the best that we can with the situation that we are in!

Today it is Nate and I living the life in either Boise or Lewiston dependent upon the given weekend. Followed by the sharing of eachothers lives via text messages, endless phone calls and facebook!

All my love,
Meg

To Follow My Dream...

2009-09-13T18:43:00.000-07:00

It was the year 2006 and I was reaching the end of my youthful years. I walked the line with my cap and gown and was on to the next great thing... College! Now me being the most indecisive person alive ended up being caught up in a huge decision. I would attend school to get a business degree... then a psychology degree.... and then it was in the medical field. I just didn't know what to do. Do I pick the road that makes me truly happy or do I pick a career that pays decent?

So of course coming from a money hungry country, I chose the path that would provide money to give me that mansion of my dreams, that luxury car and as dad always wished, the money to support and take care of him too! But as I continued through life, I reached a job that I truly could not stand. It was a job that paid the bills and that was it. Everything I did or didn't do was wrong. I went home in tears every day. Finally one day I handed them their key's and I walked out. Talk about a scary time... I had rent due, a car payment due, no money saved and no job lined up. Of course I survived, but it was a blessing in disguise. This was the answer to my question....

As a senior in highschool I had the opportunity to do what was called 'Elementary Teacher Intern.' It gave me the opportunity to teach in a classroom for two hours each day. It was as though I had taken a few steps back and walked right back into my third grade classroom. I had still kept in touch with Sandy Racine who also happened to be a family friend. This was the best class I could have ever taken. I worked with a group of individuals that read behind grade level and throughout the year I got the personal reward of seeing them reach and surpass the third grade level.

This was what I was going to do... Perhaps there isn't a lot of money for being a teacher, but the personal reward of seeing these children learn was worth more then any other thing I could be given. I love children and the thought of teaching. The responsibilty also seems overwhelming at times, but I think with the right helping hands along with the education I'm in the process of getting I hope that I will be well prepared!

I started at Boise State University and attended that school for two years. However, a little over a year ago I switched to the online classroom and currently attend school at the University of Phoenix. I have just about two years left of school, which is then followed by student teaching! Spring of 2012 cannot come any sooner!

Feeling a little ambitious, I have gained great respect for all that my therapist has done and continues to do for me on our weekly visits. So I have then decided to continue on with education to get my masters to become a therapist. Now, I am unsure as to if this will follow my bachelors in elementary education directly or if perhaps I'll take some time off. However, I've tried the whole not going to school thing and I found myself to be quite bored!

As for now.... I'll just continue forward with my bachelors degree and get my booty in that classroom with those little pupils!
All my love,
Meg

Growing Pains

2009-09-13T17:42:00.000-07:00

While enjoying a day full of sunshine and fresh air, my family gathered around the table for some small chat and laughter. It's been a long time since this crazy world allowed the family an opportunity for all of us to meet. While sitting around the table, I once again realized how distant I've grown from my family and it greatly saddens me. I know that there is no one to blame but myself... I continue to allow my stubborness and indepedency to get in the way. Why I have chosen to not include my family in my life remains a mystery, a mystery that I try to conquer repeatedly every day.

When looking at my life, I realize I continue to place distance not only between the family that surrounds me, but my close friends. Don't get me wrong, between work and school I manage to keep busy. When I have down moments, I try to take full advantage of them and celebrate time for me. Is there something wrong with this? I dont know, I'd like to think not. However, nothing should be more important then your own family.

Perhaps, this is why I chose to create this blog. A place for me to share my thoughts and the events that continue to take place in my life. A place where you have the opportunity to better learn who I am and why I am who I am. A lot goes on in my life and more often then not I am more apt to not share with anyone around me in fear of not being supported or perhaps even simply misunderstood.

Today I heard someone speaking to a child about not rushing to grow up. I stood in those shoes once. I was in such a hurry to grow up and not live under my parent's rules. I was in a hurry to finish high school and move out. I was in a hurry to drive and live on my own. I was always in such a hurry... and as if it's no surprise I miss those days. Those were the days that dad would get up with me at midnight and go have ice cream with me. Those were the days that it didn't matter that I stayed on the phone for hours upon hours. I could sleep in class. I could go home after school and eat my Oreo's or go meet some friends for coffee. Oh the good ole days.... And with my experience, I'd have to say that the responsibility just continues to grow!

As you grow older you take your own road. You create your own path and you conquer your own dreams. I have realized lately that my friends continue to thin out and that I see them less and less. In fact, I actually keep in better touch with my friends that live out of state as opposed to the one's that remain here locally. Life is an interesting journey... For now, I'll just continue to put one foot in front of the other.

All my love,
Meg

Man's Best Friend

2009-09-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

After surviving a year of heartache, I was craving the unconditional love I've always heard about. Going through the motions of losing friends and failing relationships, I had a hard time trusting people and had a hard time finding that one person I could confide in, without bothering my busy family. Last January on my weekly visit to Kevin and Linds's house, I was greeted by this ugly little black thing. Linds told me they had an extra dog running around and asked if I'd take him home.....? Well, with some thought I had really wanted a puppy to call my very own but I am living with mom, she'd never agree. I asked anyway and sure enough, after some hesitation and a little bit (okay a lot a bit) of persuasion she gave me the okay. We were going to try it out for one week. What? Mom agreed? I'm taking this ugly little black thing home with me? Oh no, now what!? As the afternoon continued forward, the journey home began...

Maxwell, the ugly black creature, climbed in my lap and anxiously awaited for what he would now call home. I had no idea what I was opening my door to. I didn't know what my heart was accepting. I'd always wanted my own puppy... definitely not a pug, but he would have to do, snorting, slobber, and all.

Maxwell entered my home on pins and needles and was greeted by Tucker, mom's chihuahua. He isn't known as the nicest pup around! Although the transition was a bit rough, I quickly fell in love with this little guy and that love was something I never saw coming. You've always heard that line about a dog being a man's best friend, something I never truly understood. That one single line has been taken to a whole new level.

Maxwell is an ornery little bug. He is obsessed with shoes, oh mylanta does he eat those things! I've managed to spend more money on shoes in the last 7 months of my life then I have in my 21 years combined! He loves to play, whether it be morning, noon, or night, whether you're awake or sound asleep. He has seperation anxiety so for good entertainment we like to play hide 'n go seek! He'll walk outside for a minute and I'll hide in the shower. When he comes back he realizes mom's not around and stresses out. He'll run around the house in circles, snorting discontently until he finds me.

He loves to be outside... he likes the fresh air, barking at the birds, and soaking up some sun. Nana watched him for me once and on one of their 'smoke breaks' he ate all of her yellow flowers in the back yard. ((Sorry, nana))

He likes to bite your nose, sometimes I think he is just jealous 'cause his is placed so far back, other times I think he's just trying to give me a makeover!

My favorite is when he does things just to make you mad.... he was in my closet the other night eating my shoes. I yelled from the bed 'Maxwell, what do you think you're doing?' He poked his head around the closet door and stared just long enough for me to turn away. A few minutes later, 'Maxwell!! What ARE you doing?!' Sure enough he was munching down on my shoes... I got out of bed and without hesitation he took off running. That boy!

Other times, he'll be dragging out his toys and my mom looks down at him and says 'Maxwell, you're worse then a kid. Do you have to take all of your toys out?' It never fails, he strings his toys out across the house and once done he always looks back from the corner of his eye with, his straggle tooth sticking out of one side and his tongue hanging out the other, just so he doesn't miss your reaction. Its as if he is busy saying 'Ha! I showed you!'

Maxwell, is a fabulous boy! He has horrible manners, and his sniffles and snorts are not so fabulous but he makes me laugh. He is always sure to greet me and chase me out the front door on my way to work. He cuddles with me at night and truly is a man's best friend.

I love my bug!!

All my love,
Meg

Welcome!!

2009-09-11T18:08:00.001-07:00

Only recently have I had the desire to keep in touch with my family and my friends, with the realization setting in that between work and school I am not given much down time to play catch up with every one like I want. So after some great thought and some crazy ideas going through my head, I have settled on a blog. It didn't cost me anything and its a place for me to write. It gives you, my family and friends the opportunity to learn more about me. I wont know until I try, so with this said.........

Let's give it a shot..............................................

All my love,
Meg